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Lockdown: Lockdown 2 Electric Boogaloo

I just watched this clip and it’s not the best example of how funny this special is. Too lazy to find something else. Just watch the thing on Netflix.

Thursday the 26th I was about to text Crush Girl to predict Hawaii was going to hit 1000 new cases in a day by the next Wednesday. I held back because I didn’t want to be a downer.

We hit it Friday the 27th. Our highest one-day total since this stupid thing began.

There is probably no more divisive issue today in this town than whether the governor and mayor should lock things down again. I understand both sides; I really do. But we’re talking about lots of our friends and neighbors getting ill and staying in the hospital, many of them dying. Plus there’s the issue of filling those hospital beds and not having room for unpreventable cases.

I have friends who work in hospitals. You have friends who work in hospitals. There’s no point in retelling the horror stories, but the horror stories are real and if you haven’t spoken to your friends who are going through them, you should.

This is the clincher for me: what’s going on in local hospitals. It’s a grim picture, and our elected leaders have the power to do something about it. I think we’ve got to do it, economy be damned if that’s what it takes.

I can’t make the governor do anything. I can do my part, though, and keep myself out of the way, and hope others will do likewise. Soooooo I’m mostly locking myself down again.

Yeah, it’s a bummer.

It’s especially difficult for a couple of reasons I wouldn’t have predicted.

I’m actually not feeling very vulnerable. I feel pretty confident in my immunity and I think I’m unlikely to pass the virus along if I should inhale it. With appropriate social distancing and other precautions we’ve (almost) all grown used to, I’m pretty dang comfortable in my usual spaces.

And even in a few unusual spaces. With cafes still closed at night, I’ve gone to bars for some alone time with a book. Plus, now that I and my friends are vaccinated, I’ve been Mr. Social Chairperson, planning parties and dinners and pau hanas. I’m on the record as hating bars, and I still don’t like them much, but I’ve enjoyed my time in them lately.

Which is the second reason locking down again is difficult. The freedom I’ve felt since I’ve ventured back into the world has been great. A couple of times I’ve stopped at neighborhood bars on my way home from the office just because I could. I’ve dined in restaurants. I saw a movie in a cinema. I even went to the supermarket in the middle of the day, during my lunch break.

Once. I did that once. It was too freaky, so I shan’t be doing that again any time soon.

So I’ve reveled in my freedom, breathing sighs of relief that I and my family got through this horrible thing.

And now we’re back in it. Argh.

I have permission from my boss to work at home full time for now. All summer I’ve been going in a few times a week, and it’s been good. Nice to see my coworkers. Nice to be productive in my cube. Nice to get lunch at all the spots I’ve missed this past year. Nice just to walk around in broad daylight (with a mask) in a city I rather enjoy.

Yet here I am. Locking down again. Mostly. I’ll still see my folks on weekends and I’ll probably still go to the beach during hours when I can mostly stay away from others, and I may even have the occasional dinner out if there’s outdoor seating and I can be far from others. Like the Mapunapuna Wendy’s, which I have had far too much of these past few weeks.

I’ve been walking at Keehi Lagoon and not at all at Makiki Park lately. Too many people at Makiki, and too small a space. Keehi really lets you spread out and away from others. And the Wendy’s is just right there. With outdoor tables sufficiently distanced.

I think I’ve had four Frostys in the past two weeks. Would have been five but it was kind of crowded Friday night, so I just came home.

Lockdown has me feeling down. I’m down for a few other reasons, too, but I think it’s mostly lockdown. Aaaaaand yeah. I’m finding myself diving into the unhealthy behaviors I used this space to protect myself against for more than a year.

Which means I need to get back to it. I don’t think I’ll be as verbose (today’s verbosity aside), but I need to keep track of a few things for myself, so the lockdown journal is back.

Sigh.

More explication later, I guess. For now:

Breakfast: a couple of hot dogs. Yeah, I’ve embraced them again as a quick, satisfying meal, and if each dog takes 36 minutes off my life, as I heard on a podcast recently, I’ll try to earn them back with more veggies and use the pandemic as my excuse. Extraordinary times (if they can still be called this) call for extraordinary leeway. I’ve added jalapeno slices to the usual hot dog, by the way. The combination of salty hot dog with tangy mustard, sweet ketchup, and acidy sauerkraut goes really well with the spice of the jalapenos. Ketchup, sauerkraut, and jalapenos are veggies, right?

Lunch: Loaded taco fries and a couple of tacos supreme from Taco Bell, grabbed at the drive-through on my way home from Keehi Lagoon.

Dinner: A couple of lazy quesadillas, just now.

Contact: Not much, but a few DMs on IG, and some good interaction on FB with some book-loving friends.

Fresh air: 10,000 steps at Keehi Lagoon just before sunset. I didn’t read as I walked, as I usually do, because I really wanted to hit 10K and I walk too slowly when I’m reading. Listened to music instead.

Music: The new Neal Morse Band album, Innocence & Danger, released Friday. It’s long, like most NMB albums, but it’s good. It’s better than their last release, and more memorable. The second track actually made me feel physically good, it’s so well done. Especially Mike Portnoy’s drumming, which kind of blew me away. Streamed it on Spotify but I’m ordering the double CD.

Two weeks ago, I was going to rent The Suicide Squad, but it was thirty bucks. I almost pulled the trigger anyway, then realized for a third the price I could get a month of Netflix streaming. It was an easy decision.

The first thing I watched was Vivo (review later). Since then, I’ve devoured The Queen’s Gambit (terrific), most of season one of My Next Guest Needs No Introduction with David Letterman, and stand-up specials by Ronny Chieng, Ricky Gervais, and Brian Regan. The Ricky Gervais thing is wonderful. They were all really good, but that Gervais one is definitely a re-watch. Oh, I rewatched a couple of early episodes of Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, which I originally saw on their original platform, Crackle. I’m rather delighted I have a chance to get caught up.

Anyway. If you’re locking down again too, you don’t have to be alone. Reach out and I’ll try to be decent company (texts, emails, FB, IG, Twitter, you know the deal).

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Friday 5 times two

From here: Unto others.

  1. When did you last give (or serve) something you cooked to someone not in your residence?
    There’s this traditional Hawaiian dessert called kūlolo. I grew up here and never heard of it until like ten years ago. It’s good. It’s basically grated taro, coconut milk, and brown sugar. When you show up at someone’s house with it, people get very happy. And it’s pricey. Maybe that’s why people get happy when you bring it over. So I saw this pretty easy Instant Pot recipe for it and I’ve made it five times now, and people really like it. This week I made some Monday night and Wednesday night and gave it to coworkers, plus some for Penny, which I dropped off at her place this morning. If I get good enough at making it, so I can make it quickly and confidently enough to bring to potlucks (when we have potlucks again, if ever!), I think I’ll make this my usual contribution. People get excited. I’ll be the potluck winner.
  2. When did someone — not a restaurant or takeout spot or housemate! — last prepare a dish for you?
    She didn’t prepare it for me, but she prepared it and gave some to me. Crush Girl gave me some cookies about a year ago, when we were still mostly locked down. I gave her some mochi I made. It was a good trade!
  3. When did you last reach out to someone who could use some company?
    I don’t know about whether or not he could use company, but I’ve texted Ryan a couple of times since Jennifer died. Just in case.
  4. When did someone last reach out to you for similar reasons?
    Mmmm that’s a good question. Penny texted me last week, when it looked like our state might go back into lockdown, to say if I needed to shelter at home she would be glad to bring me whatever I needed. She probably made the offer to a bunch of people, knowing her, and it was really thoughtful. I texted her back that I wasn’t that worried about myself these days, and was in fact on my way to a new speakeasy in town with some coworkers.
  5. How good a listener are you when someone needs to talk it out?
    I suffer from the guy impulse: listen so I can try to fix the problem. I’m very aware of this as a flawed approach, and I’m not nearly as bad about it as I used to be. I’m learning. I still have the impulse as strongly as ever, but I’m learning just to sit and listen, especially when the other person is a woman. So I’ll say I may not be as good as most women, but I think I’m better than most men. Which is almost good enough for me!

I missed last week’s Five, and it was the annual Scattergories game, so I’m going to do it now. From here: Scattergories part 11.

The random letter generator gave me G.

  1. What’s something that recently exceeded your expectations?
    I really want to say The Queen’s Gambit, which I am three episodes into, but I think that’s not a valid answer, so hm. Oh, I know. A few weeks ago I checked out this spot in my hood called Griddle N Grindz. I’ve seen the photos on social media, so I knew to expect massive portions, but the photos of the chicken katsu didn’t look especially appetizing. Let me say I grew up eating my mom’s amazing tonkatsu and chicken katsu and nobody’s has ever come close to hers. Until that day at GnG. It was very close. Close enough that if my eyes were closed and you put it in my mouth I would guess it was hers. Amazing. I have a photo around here somewhere but I just said the photos don’t really communicate well enough, so I’ll refrain.
  2. What snack from your childhood would you love to have right now?
    I’m sure I’m thinking of this because Kimberly’s answer was similar. When we were growing up in San Francisco, the Navy Commissary sold the Granny Goose version of Otter Pops. I never saw an Otter Pop until we moved to Hawaii. These were called Goos Bars. They were something of a comfort food — a daily snack in my preschool days meaning I was being cared for. I’m sure they’re gross now, but I would looooove for my mom to hack off the end with her chef’s knife and serve me a purple Goos Bar.
  3. What ailment do you suffer from?
    Gimpy knees. Especially my left knee.
  4. Which musical artist would be fun to hang out with?
    Ginger Spice, Gillian Welsh, and Selena Gomez would do it for me, but if Amy Grant‘s free, yes pleeeeeeeease.
  5. What’s something you’re looking forward to this weekend?
    I guess I can’t say The Queen’s Gambit here either. So I’ll say games. I’m going to explore the app store for some games that will play well on the iPad, probably step away from my usual genres, like word games and puzzle games, and try something completely different. There are also some good baseball games coming up this weekend.
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Friday 5: Make it simple to last your whole life long

From here. I want to embed videos and WordPress doesn’t handle this well within numbered lists, so I’m going to format this one a little differently. It’s sloppy, but at least not as sloppy as trying to fit this all into one list the normal way.

1. What kiddie song do you still like as a grownup?

I love a lot of kiddie songs. “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” is probably my favorite song ever, but while it certainly sings like a kiddie song, I don’t think it is. So give me (in this order, I think) “Jesus Loves Me,” “How Much is That Doggie in the Window?,” “Ulili E,” “It’s a Beautiful Day,” “In a Cabin,” and “Arky Arky.”

2. When did a new* song most recently* get you excited?

In recent years I’ve really put in some effort to keep up with new music. You should see my spreadsheets. This one’s pretty easy to answer. Taylor Swift’s “No Body, No Crime” is a murder ballad from last year’s Evermore album. First, it’s really well done. Second, it’s a murder ballad. On a Taylor Swift album. Did not see that coming!

3. What song were you introduced to via television ad or as background in a movie or TV show?

Two commercials made me run out and buy the albums the songs are from. More recently, The Heavy’s “How You Like Me Now?” in a 2010 Kia Sorento commercial.

In 2002, the Wiseguys and their Mitsubishi Eclipse commercial. This one took some work. It was pre-YouTube and (of course) pre-Shazam. Had to scour a few message boards to find it and go to Tower hoping it had the CD. It did, and now so do I.

4. Which song’s opening lyric do you especially love?

I know I’ve said this in this space before, but the opening line of “Jumper” by Third Eye Blind may be my favorite opening line ever. “I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend.” Holy freaking moly.

It may be a cliché of an answer, but we shouldn’t leave out Bob Dylan’s “Blowin’ in the Wind.” “How many roads must a man walk down?”

Oh, and what about “Sundown” by Gordon Lightfoot? “I can see her lying back in her satin dress / In a room where you do what you don’t confess.” Wowowowowowowow.

5. With which five songs would you begin a weekend-themed playlist?

  1. “Friday I’m in Love” by The Cure (1992)
  2. “Groovin'” by the Young Rascals (1967)
  3. “Lifetime Party” by Cecilio and Kapono (1974)
  4. “Good Times Roll” by the Cars (1978)
  5. “Take a Little Rhythm” by Ali Thomson (1980)

Wooo that’s an old man’s list!

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Gentle into that good night

Me and Jennifer at the Flickr meetup. Kakaako Waterfront Park. January 6, 2008.

My friend Jennifer is dying. She was diagnosed in stage 4 with breast cancer 10ish (or 5ish? I’m unsure) years ago and put up a good fight. Shortly after she left a job I got her, she had a mastectomy. I texted encouragement to her the morning of her surgery and said in support, I was listening only to the music of the Hooters all day. I thought she would appreciate the humor, but I don’t think she was amused. She just replied: thanks.

We traded texts about a month ago while she was in her latest round of treatments, but things went quickly bad soon after.

Her husband Ryan, also a friend, shared on FB that they had surrendered. She went home for hospice care a week ago, and I went to spend time with her Wednesday afternoon.

She’s deeply asleep and clearly not comfortable. The discomfort kind of comes and goes in waves, ‘though I’d wager she’s at least slightly uncomfortable, even on all the painkillers, all the time.

Ryan calls it “vocalizing,” but it’s moaning. She’s moaning with every exhalation, and after about half an hour with her, I could tell when a moan was an expression of more discomfort. Her forehead knitted a few times, which Ryan responded to with gentle rubs along her brow.

Their daughter Kate, a year out of college and enrolled in a paralegal program, was at Jennifer’s bedside the whole time as well, clearly exhausted and plainly devastated.

Ryan, who always puts his best face forward, did his best. If you didn’t know better, and if you were talking about world events rather than, you know, his wife dying, you wouldn’t guess anything was going on.

I asked a lot of indelicate questions, as Ryan and Jennifer would probably expect, but I didn’t want to gloss over anything, including the unpleasant suckiness of this situation, and Ryan seemed willingly transparent.

Yikes.

I tried to avoid the usual pleasantries, but I did say more than once that if there was anything I could do, I hoped he and Kate would reach out. I also said that if I could, I would take any of this away from them and carry it myself.

Her hands were under a thin blanket (her mother’s, only recently received in a box of stuff her mom wanted her to have when her mom died a few years ago), so I didn’t hold her hand, although I don’t know if I would have. I put my hand on her upper arm and kept it there for most of my stay, squeezing once in a while to remind her I was there.

Ryan and I talked a lot. Kate added her thoughts. I spoke directly to Jennifer a few times, but mostly it was just me and Ryan, two friends from our days in college working on the campus paper together. He was editor-in-chief. I was op-ed editor and copy editor (minus headline writing, which I sucked at). Jennifer was office manager.

We were so young and stupid, I said. Now we’re just stupid, Ryan said.

As our loved ones approach death, we are all stupid.

Before I left, I thanked Jen for being my friend. I recapped a few things: how when we started we were sorta friends-in-law, but somewhere in the years soon after we all left Hilo (I graduated; Ryan and Jennifer transferred to Manoa), Jen and I became real friends. And when they got married, she wasn’t my friend’s wife; she was my friend.

She didn’t need to be reminded, but I reminded her anyway that we had the geekiest of conversations about movies, books, and music — mostly books and music — and I found in her a geekiness to match my own, which is rare. I said I hoped to see her again, but in case I didn’t, I wanted her to know I valued our talks, and I thanked her for being my friend.

Then I said, listen. You don’t owe anyone anything. Do what you have to do.

And then Ryan walked me to the door, and we chatted in the doorway about what the next few days might look like, and then we chatted about work, oddly enough. I have a new coworker this Monday, someone he knows, and he’d heard from her that she met me during her interview.

I didn’t cry. I cried on the drive over, and I cried a little on the drive back. I kept it together for her while we were together.

My friend Jennifer is dying and it sucks, and I feel terrible, but there’s something strangely fact-of-life about it. She’s going to do what she does in her time, and while I want one thing, I pretty much expect the other, and I’m grateful I had this time with her.

Before I turn in, I’m going to pray that I can be whatever Ryan needs me to be. He’s lucky: he’s got a million friends, most of whom are better positioned than me to be of any help, so if he needs me to stop texting him and let him go through this, I pray I’ll have the discernment. If he needs me to send him a link to some stupid article about hugging in the workplace (he knows I’m against it and sends me articles all the time), I pray I’ll know when to do it. And if he needs me for something more intervening, geez. I pray I’ll be wise enough not to make things worse.

Ryan warned me before I came over. “Keep in mind: it’s not a Hallmark card.” I knew what I was getting into and I could have sat with her all night, no exaggeration. My time with her Wednesday was special and I’ll never forget it.

So Ryan was kind of wrong. It was a Hallmark card.