About a year and a half ago, I went through a life-change I neither wanted nor anticipated, one which I still have not detailed in this space, ‘though I have every intention of doing so once the entire thing is resolved, which it still isn’t. Just over a year ago, it looked like things were finally settling down in that one huge area of my life, but there was just one little detail that needed finishing up before I could exhale. It was anticipated by those around me who’d know that this resolution should come at any moment. They kept saying that, and it kept not happening, and I kept waiting, hanging around in this limbo I’ve referred to on multiple occasions here.
Then at the end of last year, while one piece of the resolution seemed to be appearing, the ground shifted beneath me again, completely out of my influence or desire, and not only was the ground I stood upon still in the midst of a strange limbo, the rest of the atmosphere was too, from the air surrounding me to the sky above me. It was all a bit strange.
I imagine apparating (ask a Harry Potter fan if you don’t know) to be kind of like this, minus the one-and-a-half years part of it. The whirling seems to be slowing, and I’m getting a glimpse of where I’m landing, but I’m not ready to stand up yet, and there’s still a chance (albeit a slim one) that I’ll find myself yanked somewhere else. On the other hand, if this ground will stop spinning for a moment, I may just step away from it and walk to wherever I’m going next. Other options are presenting themselves, some of them more secure than others, some more exciting than others. And for once, the more secure (which is still not really that secure) possibility is also the more exciting one.
I’ll continue to be vague until things settle down, as I’ve been saying for the past year and a half, but I do expect to emerge from this limbo within six months. Three, if I can swing it. Nine as a probable worst-case scenario.
I feel like that video game character who has to make a huge leap to safety, but has to time it just right. The ground I’m standing on is about to dissolve, but the ground to which I hope to spring hasn’t swung into reach yet. I know I’ve got a lot of leeway on this end, but the window of opportunity on the other end seems tiny. Just gotta pick my spot, I think.
My job has turned into something I haven’t had much of as a college graduate: just a job. I know how to have just a job; I’ve had several during my career as a teacher. But the just-a-job job has always been a second, side-job. Now my primary job is just a job, and I’m not sure how to feel about it. On the one hand, I have the time and mental energy to pursue a few other things, things I’ve neglected because my teaching gig was both a major timesuck and energysuck. This has made my life better in multiple ways, not the least of which is that it’s satisfying a long-back-burnered part of my soul. On the other, it’s not a very satisfying way to spend a third of my life, five days a week.
Thank goodness it doesn’t suck, and thank goodness I like the people. In fact, there’s really nothing bad about the job or the workplace itself. It’s just the peripherals.
This weekend is all about that paid writing I’ve been doing for the past few months. I’m trying to get ahead of schedule (yes, I know I keep promising details; I’ll continue to promise them), at which point my responsibilities will be added to, something I welcome whole-heartedly. For now, it’s a lot of my away-from-work time, including most of my weekend time, plus several nights during the working week after my regular work. I feel it getting easier, though, which is a most welcome sign.
I will also squeeze in time to catch up on some house-cleaning, and I’m going to start an enormous crockpot of beef stew, which I did two weekends ago as well. I can make ten meals out of twenty bucks worth of ingredients, usually, and in these lean days, this is key. Plus, my stew is delicious. @aipohaku sent me some DVDs and I’m hoping to watch at least one this weekend too. Netflix delivered Tiger Eyes, a film directed by Judy Blume’s son based on her very best novel. Can’t wait to give that a look, too.
And Allegiant. I don’t think I’ll finish it (I have about a third left), but I would like to indulge just a little while I’m not researching these articles I’m hoping to have done by Sunday night.