11 October 2006
I Really Have to Pee

Filed under friends + love

…but I am feeling the need to type something.  Nothing in particular, so this could be lame.

At the wedding the Saturday before last, I held up pretty well.  I mean, it was clear that R was happier than I’d ever seen her, at least since high school, and it’s hard for me not to feel good about that, even if it isn’t me making her happy.

But then they went to a slideshow, and I knew that was going to be more than I could handle, so I went out into the lobby.  I could hear the songs played during the slideshow:  They were recordings of the bride and groom, together and separately, singing karaoke songs.  Went to the restroom to splash some water on my face and to calm down a little, then back out to the lobby.  Tony came out and hung with me for a bit.  I don’t know if he just wandered out and saw me there, or if he saw me exit and came out to keep me company, but I was really grateful either way.  We didn’t really talk about it — chatted about books and whatever — and that was exactly what I needed.  Just a friend to stand there with me.  I teared up a few times as we chatted (as I am tearing up right this moment), but he was nice enough not to notice.  He let me soldier on, and when the slideshow was over, and they announced the first dance, he went back in.  He’d never been to a wedding in Hawaii, so I told him he had to see that first dance, R being Filipino and all.

I didn’t think I could handle the first dance, either.  That’s when Faye came out.  Faye was my first teaching partner and even though it was Mrs. Hom, my twelfth grade English teacher who was officially my mentor (assigned by Faye, who was my first department chair), it’s really Faye I learned the most from during those first few years.  We would have made a great team if we’d had more time, but she had kids, and you know how that goes.  Anyway, she was the first person at HBA I confided to about R, and since she later hired R and was her department chair, too, I don’t know if anyone really knew what I was going through all those years better than her.

I can’t remember everything we talked about, but we did talk a little about how hard it was to come to this wedding, but how I knew I had to.  She thought I had to, too, but for different reasons.  I thought I had to because R is my best friend, and you just don’t miss your best friend’s wedding, no matter what.  She thought I had to because I had to see the door close in order to move ahead.  Something like that.  Anyway, I teared up a few times then, too, but she was also nice enough not to notice.  And before we all went back in to wrap it all up, she gave me this hug that is maybe the best hug I’ve ever had, non-R.  I totally needed it, and I’m not a huggy person.  And she knows it.  I wouldn’t even have guessed that I needed it, not liking hugs in general, but I did.  It took everything I had not to just cry right there, because I think I wanted to.  I need to write Faye a thank-you note.

Then, oh yeah, before we went in, Deren and Wendy came out, and they were always two of my favorite colleagues at HBA.  Wendy, especially, had always been a cheerleader for me, and I don’t really get why.  We have like almost nothing in common, except for that short time when we were in college and Wendy started comig to our church and then was baptized there.  Deren had been the first (of only two people) to ask me if I was “okay” with this wedding, some time before the arrival of the bride and groom at the reception.  I’d said no, and he’d just nodded, saying that he and Wendy were discussing in the car ride over whether or not I’d show up.  Deren graduated the year before me from HBA, and our moms used to work together when we were in elementary school, so I’ve always felt almost a kinship with him.  Plus, he’s a super-likable guy, of course.  I felt safe talking to him about it.  Anyway, on their way out, Wendy gave me a great hug, too, and Deren shook my hand and gave me a guy-hug.

I’m remembering this because it was a reminder to me that people love me.  People at HBA still love me.  When I first left, I felt this weird detachment, like I’d gone up into space.  I knew life was continuing without me, but I couldn’t imagine what that would be like.  And then as the years went on, I could feel the school sort of forgetting me.  I know these old friends and colleagues of mine love me, but I’m not part of that life anymore, and while it hurts me almost every day, I know they barely notice it at all.  That’s just the way it is when someone leaves.  Deren, Wendy, Faye, and even Tony, who came along after I was gone, reminded me, affirmed me.  I like to think I don’t need that kind of thing, but if I don’t need that kind of thing, why can’t I stop crying as I type this?

I hate to say this, but I had been feeling somewhat disappointed that Ross and George didn’t seem to acknowledge in any way what I was going through, and I was sitting between them at the reception.  I made a few wry jokes at the table (when someone at our table asked me if I wanted a copy of the bride-and-groom trivia quiz, I responded, “No thank you.  Enemy of the bride and groom.”), muttered a few comments to each of them about needing a beer, and wondered aloud how I was going to get through all this (well, not in those words, but that’s what I meant), and neither of them said a thing, just acted as if I hadn’t said anything.

Of course they were in the most difficult position of all (well, second-most), and I don’t know what I expected from them, but I felt pretty abandoned.  I had to call George to ask if he wanted to ride in together; you’d have thought SOMEone would have called ME, but that’s not the way it happened.  I know I didn’t make things easy, so I don’t blame them, of course.  I just felt a little lost.  And these other friends, whom I only see nowadays at weddings and funerals, unexpectedly and blessedly comforted me beyond what I might have hoped for.

It’s weird.  I like to think I don’t need people.  But I did.  Maybe I still do.  How do I deal with that?  How do I handle the possibility that I need the occasional word of encouragement or the occasional hug?  What if, you know, I start needing people?

2006-10-11  ::  me