Category: lockdown

I’m having a little bit of trouble with this story that was due Friday and delayed by those edits to other pieces. There’s just so much background, and most of it is a bit of a slog — technical writing that I usually don’t have a problem with but for some reason is a bit laborious to get through. I told the development officer I’m working with on the story I’d reach out Wednesday to go over what she has in mind for the story, and I really want to have the background read beforehand. A little bit of self-imposed pressure to keep me moving.

So most of my day was taking care of other stories. I need a term for this. Something to brainstorm while I’m avoiding doing all that reading.

Breakfast was some of my fresh bread with this local honey-macadamia peanut butter. I bought it as a gift for a relative and remembered too late that he hates peanuts. Normally it would be a little pricey for me, but what else am I going to do with it since I can’t gift it to its intended recipient?

It may be the best peanut butter I’ve ever had, except maybe the peanut butter I make myself in my food processor. It has a wonderfullly smooth texture, and there’s somehow no palm oil in it. Gotta investigate. Also, I’m wondering now why I have never customized my homemade peanut butter.

The night I bought it for my relative, I also bought a second jar, this one Kona coffee flavored. I’m such a doofus. This relative doesn’t drink coffee either.

I’ve heard a few podcasters talk about these gourmet peanut butters they love, and I’ve gone as far as to look at the websites and see what’s available on Amazon, but until just now I never considered I could make my own. I may have a new purpose in lockdown.

Lunch was the same thing, except I had it in two smaller courses. The first was bread and a can of Vienna sausage. Reminds me of poor college days, when I often had it with cheap supermarket white bread. The second was more peanut butter, with some local macadamia honey. Hello.

It was somehow not enough to keep me going, so a few hours later I had a cold can of pork and beans with another can of Vienna sausage. Sinful. Which makes this Big Mac combo I’m having now at the laundry my second dinner.

For the second week in a row, the TV is off in the laundry and it’s quiet and wonderful. There’s one other guy folding his dried clothes, but he’s just about done.

I’m coming around to the idea that the late-night walks are a memory, and if I’m going to get meaningful exercise, it’s going to have to be in the ocean, where my knee is less a factor. This means an entire shifting of hours, since apparently one must get to Kewalo soon after the parking lot opens at four. We’ll find out, as I’m going to head down there this morning and probably won’t get there until maybe quarter to five.

I’ll miss the wee hours, but maybe not as much as I would have guessed. This week several times I’ve gone to bed before nine, and it’s been pretty good. It just requires more planning than I like to do for such things. Maybe that’s better for me anyway since putting myself to bed is supposed to be a deliberate thing.

I didn’t think I was tired when I retired at 7:30 Tuesday evening, but I popped 15 mg of melatonin (which I’m beginning to think doesn’t do anything except placebo me to la-la land) and was asleep before 8:00.

Jennifer texted me a photo of the sleeping baby otter. Very cute. I expected it somehow to be on a rock in a pool, but it looked like it was in a crib or something. Sharon and I traded a few texts about the Democratic National Convention, which I watched more of on Day 2 than on Day 1. Crush Girl texted me some stuff about her weekend and her work situation. Ali texted me a question I did my best to answer, but admitted it was out of my realm of expertise. This led to some difficult miscommunication that was probably on me, since for her it was nearly eight in the morning and for me it was nearly two. Yeah, I got up about twenty minutes ahead of my laundry alarm.

Which still gave me nearly five and half hours of good sleep, interrupted once but continued quickly. I’m still feeling a little bit off, though, like maybe I’m coming down with something.

I never finished my personal Ozzy Osbourne retrospective and I really want to, but I’ve been in a Mastodon mood these past few days, so I’m also doing a Mastodon retrospective, beginning with their first album and working my way to now. It’s good music to work to, and it brings back some really good concert memories.

I’m hesitant to write about this, but one function of a journal is using language to sort things out — bring order to chaos, in a way. I had two New Year’s resolutions related to reading and creativity this year. The first was establishing a Honolulu Silent Book Club, which I launched in March. We met once, and the island was shut down immediately after. This is now necessarily on hold.

The other was a new podcast, because the world doesn’t have enough podcasts. I won’t publicly share what it’s about until I launch it, but my intention was to do ten complete shows, with all the production and editing, as practice. Never intending to publish them. I know it’s going to take several episodes for me to find my groove, and to settle on certain details (music, organization, that kind of thing). I want my first episode to be as good as my eleventh, so I’m going to do ten practice ones as if they’re not practice.

I’m also going to have to shift my strategy for now. I have a good idea, but social distancing makes it impossible to do what I have in mind. This means I’m going to have to recruit some friends for Zoom-Skype-Face Time-whatever, something I was hoping to avoid.

The thing is, this pandemic has put too many things on hold. I welcome it in a lot of ways, not least of which is taking other things out of do-it-later status, like slaying the Monster and finally checking out Halt and Catch Fire. But you make resolutions for self-improvement. One shouldn’t put those things on hold if one can avoid it. If this means making adjustments to original plans, and apparently it does, I guess I should get on with it. It’s almost September, dammit.

My goal for the long weekend ahead (Hawaii celebrates its admission to the union Friday) is to pick a few candidates for theme music. I’d like maybe eight good songs to test out, then to whittle down to two. It’s kind of a tedious task since I’m determined to do this legitimately, paying a service for rights to use the songs, which means going through offerings by musicians I’ve never heard of to find songs I’ve yet to hear.

If I’m feeling ambitious, I’ll outline the first (practice) episode and recruit a friend to play with me for half an hour or so. I bought a few toys this past winter specifically for producing this podcast. It would be nice to get them out of the toybox.

I also need to finish setting up the website. I’ve been sitting on the domain for two years.

You should consider being a guest on my new podcast. You can be anonymous, and you can even make stuff up. It’ll be something of an interview/conversation format. Or you could just reach out if you’d like to trade a few messages now and then, to give you some connectivity in the time of lockdown. Just leave a comment and I’ll send you my contact info.

I sat down to write this about forty-five minutes ago and am only getting started now. I blame Anna Kendrick videos on YouTube. I’m giving myself until I finish writing to decide what I’m going to do about those littered-about chopped-off limbs of the Monster, since early tomorrow morning is my hard, weekly deadline.

The best thing about Monday was the surprise release of a new single from the Barden Bellas, a cover of Beyonce’s “Love on Top.” It’s a fundraiser for UNICEF.

https://youtu.be/sE59kPlblPI

It’s so cute I can’t stand it. Disappointed Esther Dean isn’t included, but it’s nice to see the others, especially Kelley Jakle who’s great in this. I’m also disappointed Hailee Steinfeld doesn’t get a solo. I’ve already seen this thing around fifteen times and purchased the single.

I couldn’t find my writing flow at work today. Spent too much time putting some edits on finished drafts and responding to emails and this story I meant to have done Friday is still not even first-drafted.

I didn’t get to bed early enough Sunday night to get up for the beach. When the alarm went off, I knew it just wasn’t going to happen. Sunday night was a milder repeat of Saturday night: I woke up a couple of hours into my sleep with my knee crying out. I had those weird shivers again, but not as severe. And, um, I turned my fan down and felt okay. The fan shouldn’t be a factor because it’s fricking warm in the evenings lately, so even with it on at full blast it shouldn’t cause my shivering.

Walking to the bathroom was as difficult as on Saturday night. Then I went right to sleep and did fine. Woke up again not feeling a lot of pain until I got out of bed. Its sorer after I’ve been stationary for a while, I’ve discovered. But there’s no swelling. I know I need to see a doctor but it’s just not safe, so the best thing I think I can do is wait until things calm down and do my best not to injure it further.

I made bread. And it’s wonderful. When I was between jobs, I made bread a lot. You get a long of mileage out of a few bucks when you make your own bread, especially when flour is on sale. Bread flour, however, doesn’t go on sale much, and it’s a few bucks more per sack than all-purpose flour, especially when all-purpose flour is on sale. We’re talking a $6 for one and $3 for the other difference. So I got into the habit of using all-purpose, which doesn’t give as good a rise but does the job.

I’m now gainfully employed, though, so the price difference is negligible, yet I’ve not gone back to bread flour. Frugal habits die hard sometimes. But I made this loaf with bread flour, and finally gave my dad’s favorite recipe a try, which uses milk and an egg. And yum. It’s fluffier but still has good integrity, and the texture is smoother somehow. I got a much nicer crust than usual, too.

I tried to watch the Democratic National Convention live but I just couldn’t. I’m here for the speeches, but the boosting the party stuff isn’t for me — literally, it’s not for me since it’s not my party. All the video montages and stuff made it feel, as S. E. Cupp tweeted, like a telethon. I had to bail before the speeches even began. When I put the TV on to watch the news, I caught the last half of Michelle Obama’s speech and it was quite good. I heard the thing in its entirely via the Rachel Maddow podcast. Rachel didn’t do a regular show this evening.

It embarrasses me to report this, but I had Taco Bell for breakfast again. The same order as a few mornings ago. I had a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats for lunch, and then a few slices of fresh bread with some extra-sharp cheddar for dinner. I didn’t do any snacking.

I also couldn’t go for a walk, dang it.

A funny photo came down my IG stream first thing this morning, so I shared it with several people via text. Mostly got laughs back. Crush Girl and I texted a little about the new Barden Bellas video. Jennifer sent me a story about the baby otter she’s been watching on live webcam lately. Very cute.

I’m skipping the Monster for the second week in a row. I did a few chores today and I have one more to deal with, but while I was typing this I caught a rat in my live trap. I’ll have to get up early tomorrow — not beach early, but early — to let it go, and I just don’t have it in me to do both. Still trying to make a good night’s sleep my priority. I’m disappointed in myself but I’m going to cut me some slack.

I feel like Monday was all kinds of good opportunity not seized. I’m okay with it, but I can’t have two days in a row like this or I’ll start to wilt.

Whatever you’re doing to get through the lameness of the season, I hope you’re getting enough connection with people who care about you, even if it’s silly photos and otter articles. If you aren’t, leave me a comment and I’ll send you my contact info.

It’s Sunday evening. 9:30. I’m supposed to be feeling the Sunday evening blahs, that tension and apprehension I’ve mentioned in this space that’s stuck with me even all these years out of the classroom. But I’m totally chill. Since I killed it on Friday, I’ve been able not to think about work all weekend, a weekend during which I’ve done pretty much nothing but has still been far too short, and I’m actually eager to get back to it Monday morning.

It’s very, very strange.

I slept kind of miserably. Woke up in the middle of the night without having put Darth Vader on my face, and I was in pain. My left knee was killing me. I moved it to straighten it out or something (I can’t remember) and it was so sore it took like a minute, and I was so reluctant to move it again I just lie there stiff, on my back, aching like crazy. I was on the verge of tears, but what scared me was I was shivering cold even though it was warm as heck last night. I kept shuddering, and my teeth chattered some. What the heck?

Eventually, an eternity later or maybe just a few minutes later, I fell back asleep, and when I woke up some time later (I never checked the clock when I woke up the first time because I was too distracted by pain) I wasn’t in nearly as much discomfort. Until I tried to walk to the bathroom.

Holy heck. It wasn’t the kind of pain I may have imagined earlier, but it was something of a struggle to get to the little boys’ room and back.

I crashed again and slept fitfully, like I was ill or something, and at some weird point I felt it break, like a fever. You know that moment when you’re sleeping off a fever and you drift into and out of consciousness and then you kind of wake up and you’re all sweaty but cool, instead of sweaty and hot? And somehow rested? That’s exactly what I felt.

I woke up and although the stupid knee was still sore all day and I’m limping, as the day went by it got more and more normal. Or something close to normal, which is a dull ache all the time and a slight limp. Great.

So that was scary.

I got out of bed around 10:00 and read the news. I had the last slice of POG pie for breakfast, did the Sunday NYT crossword in just shy of 18 minutes, and then got lost in a whole bunch of different reading online. I read about stereo system components and deejaying gear, mostly, despite not planning to get into either. Just interesting stuff to read about.

I made a bowl of instant ramen for a late lunch, with a mountain of kale, choy sum, and bean sprouts, and two eggs, which I ate during the TV news. Then I watched the eighth episode of Halt and Catch Fire and it was fantastic. Rewatched the last five minutes. Great television.

I took care of a few little chores and got things ready to make some bread Monday. I was tempted to go to the supermarket, but I reminded myself I bought enough stuff last time to avoid having to go back for two weeks.

Dinner was a can of cold pork and beans, straight from the can. And some Vienna sausage this time, also from the can. It’s like Boy Scout camping in my living room.

I had dinner while watching Noelle for like the fifteenth time. It just ended and I’m a little bit of a teary mess. Again.

There was quite a bit of texting. JB gave me a progress report on War and Peace. Ali texted me early to ask me if something she’d read about introverts was true, so I gave her my perspective, and then she sent me a link to the story I wrote about that donor, the story that might get picked up by one of the local news broadcasts. She said it was a cute story, so I thanked her. That was nice — my coworkers and former coworkers seldom mention the stories I write unless the stories are directly related to their work.

I got a phone call from Julia, and although I never answer phone calls, I picked this one up because she’d left me a message Friday. She was one of our Bloody Wednesday victims, so I thought maybe something was up. We chatted for a bit; she asked for a little bit of advice on some positions she was applying for. It turns out one of them is with a nonprofit where I’ve interviewed one director, and another director is married to Cindy, my former manager at the engineering firm, one of the three women in the group chat I’m always mentioning.

So I texted Cindy to tell her nice things about Julia. Then emailed the one director and messaged Cindy’s husband via Linkedin, to spread some of the Julia love around.

Emailed Ryan a few times to work out some stuff we have going on. I tried to find someone to do a review of Cathy Song’s new book, for Hawaii Stories, but there were no reliable takers, so I’m doing it myself. I kind of envision my HS role as something of an advisor for less experienced writers, and I really wanted someone else to give the review a try. I reviewed her poetry collection School Figures for our campus paper in Hilo (a pretty double-page spread) and it was a big deal to me. I wanted someone else to get the big deal. Alas.

There was no way I was going to walk with my knee blowing itself up. I’m going to try to hit the beach Monday morning.

Hit me up if you would like someone to connect with in these dark days. I’ll send you some contact info.

Yay for Saturday.

I didn’t sleep terrifically Friday night, but I did put myself to bed early, so I got plenty of rest even if it wasn’t the best rest. Got up around five and did the Saturday NYT crossword — it was challenging even for a Saturday. Took me thirty-four minutes, more than eleven minutes longer than my Saturday average, but it was a clean solve. Just reeeally tough.

I went back to bed for two and a half hours more, this time hooked up properly to Darth Vader, so that was nice. When I got up I craved Rainbows for breakfast. Boneless chicken with gravy. I must have been hungry because I ate the whole thing, which I almost never do in one meal.

I read the news, did some online window shopping, and watched three episodes of Halt and Catch Fire. Wow. Took a little bit of a nap. Heavenly. Watched the news. So annoying. For lunch I had chili Tater Tots. Not my finest moment, but nothing’s been my finest moment lately.

At around nine, I walked to the School Street bus stop nearest my house and left a bag of about fifteen bottles tied to the trash can. My knee complained most of the way. It’s been really bugging me lately, even without going for walks. But I was out and about, so I kept walking, unsure of how far I wanted to go. I got to Kalakaua Middle School and just did laps of the long, narrow parking lot. It was quiet and safe, and only one other walker passed through while I listened to podcasts and enjoyed the fresh air.

I normally hate walking laps anywhere. For some reason this felt right. I may try it again if I can even walk Sunday. The walk back was rough — I kind of limped most of the way. Not dramatic limping, but definitely not striding in a normal way.

I was pretty hungry when I got back to Kam Shopping Center, so I had a cheeseburger, McChicken sandwich, and Diet Coke for an impromptu dinner. I needed a breather, too, for my knee, although I was worried that if I stopped moving it might lock up or something. It didn’t, but the walk up the hill was unpleasant. I just took three ibuprofens in hopes the knee won’t keep me up all night with its discordant singing.

It was 13,000 steps for the first time in quite a while. I have to say I’m pleased. I’ve been putting on weight like I’m preparing to hibernate, although I can’t imagine why.

I only texted with two people Saturday — Ali and Crush Girl. Ali and I talked about the Honolulu Museum of Art for some reason. It popped into her head and she wanted to know what I thought about it. This led to some nice conversation about art and museums. Crush Girl and I talked about some social media topics. Also a nice conversation, this one while I did my laps of the parking lot.

I didn’t do any real chores and I didn’t read, so I’m going to make it a point to hit those Sunday. I have one more episode of Halt and Catch Fire on this Netflix disc. And some veggies that want to be consumed before the weekend’s up.

It’s only 1:30 in the morning but I’m pretty dang tired. Going to hit it and see if I can have some good sleep and be out of bed before the crack of noon.

Hit me up in the comments if you need some connection. The news gets worse every day and if you’re like me, so does your impatience with the world. Maybe some conversation will help.

“If you’re super unproductive the first four days of the week but kill it on Friday, you can go into the weekend feeling like you deserve a promotion.” I wrote this on one of the social media platforms late Friday and this could really be my whole journal entry.

I had deadlines on two things Friday, but these deadlines on stories (unlike on proposals) are flexible depending on what pops up. Everything is urgent; there are just different levels of urgency, remember? I struggled to put the finishing polish on one story but did get it in near the end of my supervisor’s workday, so that was nice.

The other story is going to have to wait until Monday, but fairly late in the day, we got the okay to run a story I finished last week that ran into some problems. It wasn’t in presentable condition, though, so I had to prettify that one. Two stories submitted Friday for one of our major (annual) publications is a big deal when I’ve struggled all summer to finish stories.

So I’m feeling pretty good even though I really have no right.

I slept restlessly Thursday night, but felt pretty okay Friday anyway. I watched the news and did a few small chores. I was too tired to watch some Halt and Catch Fire. Made myself do the getting-ready-for-bed stuff and called it a day at about 9:30 in the evening. No walk.

Before I started work, I ran to the service station mini mart on the corner. It has one of those water dispensing machines but not from the company I prefer, so I only got four gallons. I’d woken up with this strange craving for Taco Bell for breakfast. I guess Taco Bell’s had a breakfast menu for a couple of years, but I’ve never tried it, and I was going to make it happen Friday.

Which is not to say I’ve never had Taco Bell for breakfast. Many times in my adulthood have I left a couple of tacos still in their wrappers on the kitchen counter overnight (or, in more responsible moments, in the fridge) and scarfed them first thing in the morning. Gross but still great, somehow. I know this sounds like hangover behavior but it wasn’t.

So I drove the couple of blocks to Taco Bell and overdid it, of course. A steak grilled breakfast burrito, a sausage breakfast Crunchwrap, and two Cinnabites. All I have to say is holy moly. What a great breakfast. It’s going to take some willpower not to hit that a few more times in the next week or two; I’m serious.

To atone for all that culinary sin, I had a slice of POG pie for lunch. Then a bowl of chili and hapa rice for dinner.

Not a banner day, yet also a day to remember because of that breakfast.

I have to make better choices for my carnal pleasures, for sure. Maybe if I limit myself to such things only on days after I’ve had a good swim.

Sylvia sent me a photo of these two-ingredient bagels she made. She made them without the hole this time, and they look like yummy, soft English muffins. Might have to give these a try. Crush Girl and I traded a few texts related to her work. I got an text from Dustin about a mutual friend who could be a good story for one of our publications — which is funny because I had just finished conversing with her about pitching her story. Ali sent me a photo of an ice cream stand she was making a late ice cream run at, which was awesome to see. I had a nice FB messenger conversation with that friend about pitching her story. She’s having a rough pandemic but she got some encouraging news Friday, so that was encouraging.

Looking forward to a good weekend. I’ll watch some stuff on the TV for sure, but also plan to listen to some good music and lose myself in a book. And there’s one slice of that pie left!

It’s easy to feel disconnected and distant if you’re locking down the way I mostly am. So if you need a few texts to get anchor you or something, leave a comment and I’ll send you my contact info.

After the laundry early Thursday morning, I tried to hit the beach. The mayor closed all the parks, but in-the-water activities are still allowed, just like in March. So you have to find somewhere to put your vehicle, and you’re allowed to walk through the park on your way to the ocean.

When I got to the parking lot at Kewalo at 5:30, it was full. Crazy. I considered parking in that lot behind the Ilikai and walking to Fort DeRussy as I’ve done, but it’s a little bit of a walk, and you encounter a lot of walkers on the way, who don’t always steer clear of you. I’m too freaked about these rising numbers.

I’ll try early another morning.

I didn’t work very well, despite having enough sleep. Mostly did a lot of thinking about the stories I was supposed to have done by Friday. It’s part of the work. Sometimes it just happens this way and I’m silly to try to fight it, but I had high hopes for Thursday and I was annoyed that I couldn’t make the words coalesce. My focus was for crap.

I sorta packed it in early, knowing it was a losing battle. Did a few quick chores, had dinner, and dozed off. Woke up around 1:30 still tired, so I finished the half-done thing I was working on and got back to bed around 2:30. Without finishing Digging for Fire.

Breakfast was a slice of POG pie. A thin slice. For lunch, I made a little stir-fry of kale, choy sum, brean sprouts, and canned green beans. It was terrible. I thought at first it was the green beans giving the entire dish a metallic taste, but I think it was the choy sum. Also, mixing the canned greens with fresh greens was a bad idea. I put them over some lazy fried rice and that wasn’t much of an improvement. Geez.

I did the best I could but I didn’t have it in me to finish the meal. Put half of it away for leftovers and ate another (not quite as thin) slice of pie for lunch instead.

Dinner was chili and hapa rice. Yum.

The engineering group text with Julie, Cindy, and Suzanne was kind of heated Thursday. We had a bit of a contention about when to call out racism when we see it among our friends. Heavy stuff but good thoughts. There was some silliness too, sprinkled among the race talk. Good friends.

Sharon and I traded texts about some time off she’s taking for her sister’s wedding. She’s flying. Ugh. I wish she wouldn’t.

Ali and I traded a few funny photos and that turned kind of rough when I made a crude (but I swear altogether appropriate) comment about one of them. Ah well.

Crush Girl and I texted about the ridiculous COVID-19 numbers we’re getting. It was most disheartening.

Skipped the walk because whatever. Ha.

Kind of a lame day saved by some good conversation via texts. There’s more where that came from if you’re in need. Just hit me up in the comments.

Alternate title: All quiet on the Downy front. There’s something better here but these are the best I could come up with. Also, I use Bounce dryer sheets, not Downy.

Another pretty productive day today. Slow progress on the stories I’m creating now, but good back-and-forth energy on some other stuff I’ve (mostly) completed. One of the local news broadcasts saw a story we put up last week. It’s a cute story about an athletics donor. They reached out (not to me; my name’s not on it) for contact with the donor, possibly to do their own story on her. Neato.

A story we put up this week might go to one of our print publications. That’s not unusual, but there are some logistical and technical problems with this story, so I was involved in getting the issues taken care of. It’s been pretty easy going so far, which has me partially encouraged and partially nervous.

Ali responded to the photos I sent her of the misspelled signs. She was pretty amused. I texted Sharon something dumb I noticed on her FB timeline. Sylvia and I traded texts about the chips she picked up the other day, and I thanked her for these snacks she left on my desk the week before last. I finally got to trying one of them and it was pretty good.

After work I had a late lunch and packed my laundry while watching the news. I was determined to get to bed by 7:30 for a 2:15 alarm. I did pretty well but got distracted by something on my phone, and didn’t get to sleep until around 8:30. I woke up about three hours in, checked social media to see if you-know-who had blown up the world, then got back to sleep ten minutes or so later. Nice. It doesn’t always work out that way. I slept soundly until the alarm.

Which gave me pause. I was getting such good sleep. Maybe I should skip the laundry this week. Because I was especially lazy this past week, I didn’t even unpack my clean laundry from last week until yesterday morning, getting by on my second-week clothes. This meant I could wear my usual rotation this coming week and not feel bad. I was tired enough that I though I really should give it a try.

But I didn’t. I’m here now. The stupid water dispenser at the little supermarket on Liliha wasn’t accepting coins or paper, so I didn’t get to refill my containers. I’ve got enough water at the house not to worry about it — at least two days’ worth — so I’ll just fill up somewhere else later today, but if I’d known I wouldn’t get water, I might have just opted for sleep. Dang it.

I’m at the laundry now, and not only are there no other people here yet, but the TV is off for the first time in the five months I’ve been coming here weekly, so the infomercial voices of Emeril and Dr. Quinn aren’t pounding through my brain. When I get finished writing this, if nobody else has joined me here, I may just watch the last half of Digging for Fire on my laptop.

Oh my gosh. I just paused to stand here and listen to the ambient sounds of my washer, the whirring of ceiling fans, and the infrequent unidentifiable noises coming from outside, at this strip mall in Manoa. It was nice. A different kind of quiet darkness from what I get at home or on a late walk. It feels good to be out, haunting a different space.

Monday nights always feel kind of desperate, time-wise. If I’m going to get to sleep at a decent hour, I have to jump on the Monster without much procrastinating (itself a Herculean task). If I’m planning to hit the laundry early the next morning (which I haven’t been doing for a couple of months now), there’s added pressure.

I hate the thought of a week passing without my having put a dent in the work, especially since I’ve been so diligent for so many months. Early early Tuesday morning is really a kind of practical weekly deadline, and it’s a job I can’t double up on if I miss a week. There are logistical and practial realities I have no control over, and the Tuesday morning do-or-die is one, and the certain-amount-per-week is another.

But I also had these chili ingredients, and I’m trying to figure out life with this smaller fridge, and I’m trying to be a little more disciplined about getting takeout, although I think my takeout rate is pretty reasonable for a bachelor living alone. I have single friends living alone who get takeout twice as frequently, one (a woman) who gets takeout for just about every meal. She has a high-pressure job in a hospital’s operating rooms, so I totally understand if during her downtime she’s not up for cooking. Although in fairness, she herself says she’s a terrible cook.

It doesn’t take much time or energy to make a huge pot of chili. Still, that plus working on an unpleasant task meant staying up too late, and I didn’t have it in me. I gave myself a break and will pick up the Monster’s severed limbs before next Tuesday morning.

A reasonable person would say it makes sense not to let obsession drive me on these things, but obsession is the only reason it got done at all, because it’s such an unpleasant, disheartening task. I’m a little nervous that a week off leads to never finishing this thing and then never moving on the Beast, which is of greater importance and has been a plague for much longer.

So this is on my mind quite nearly all the time. I look forward (not really) to making some kind of progress before next week Tuesday morning.

Wednesday breakfast was instant ramen with a large pile of bean sprouts, tatsoi, and bok choy. It was pretty good. I had a slice of POG pie for a snack (yummier the second time for some reason). My late lunch was a too-generous serving of chili with hapa rice. I think concern about making room in the little fridge influenced my ambitious ladling. This can be solved with smaller food containers next time. A half-filled large container is a waste of space in a small fridge. Oh yeah, and I snacked on Sylvia’s snacks just before lunch. Dinner is a Big Mac combo from McD’s, which I am finishing as I type this.

I didn’t go for a walk because laundry. Yeah, I’ll blame laundry this time.

Don’t forget to reach out if you’re hoping for some connectivity. It occurred to me last night that someone might be hesitant for fear of being mentioned in this daily accounting of communication during lockdown. Just know that some of the details I include here are changed, that I don’t share everything (particularly to protect Crush Girl’s anonymity, but not exclusively), and I’ve changed a name or two. I can do that for you, too. So hit me up in comments if you’re wandering the dessert.

Okay Tuesday. I slept remarkably well Monday night. I slept from 3:30 to 9:00, waking up once for just a couple of minutes before dropping off again. Darth Vader somehow came unhooked, which is what woke me, but I fixed it and picked up where I left off. So it was about five and a half hours of very good sleep, the kind Darth Vader is supposed to give me. It’s not enough, but it felt almost like vacation since it’s been so long without rest like this.

It translated well. I had a good, productive, busy work day. Tied up a bunch of loose ends (which may need more tying Wednesday), made slight progress on the new stories, and did a little bit of housekeeping.

I goofed around online after work for a little while, then watched the first half of Digging for Fire (2015) with Anna Kendrick, Rosemarie DeWitt, Jake Johnson, Brie Larson, Sam Rockwell, Orlando Bloom, Judith Light, Sam Elliott, Mike Birbiglia, and Melanie Lynsky. Yeah, it’s quite a cast. This is directed by Joe Swanberg, who uses a lot of the same actors in his films. This is the third film I’ve seen in which he’s directed Johnson and Kendrick, for example, after Happy Christmas and Drinking Buddies. He’s a super interesting director, but more about that another time.

I was dragging, so I put myself to bed at 11:00 and slept pretty terribly because I never really put myself to bed the way I need to. So I was up and down several times. Bleah. Finally got up at 8:00 just because I was tired of trying to get real rest.

Breakfast was the leftover loco moco. Not good reheated after being in the fridge for a day, but edible. I fried two eggs to put down on top of it, and that helped. There was leftover rice, so I ate it with Monday night’s chili for lunch. Dinner was some of the chili with no rice. That’s an unimaginable way to eat chili for a lot of Hawaii people, but if you think of it more like soup, it works as a meal. Although almost every soup tastes far better with rice.

I’ve been making chili roughly the same way for a decade. Over time I’ve developed a chili powder I really like, with a blend of ground, dried red peppers, paprika, cocoa, and cumin. It’s very earthy. I’m confident enough in it that I entered a chili cookoff with it at work when I was with the engineers. I got two votes: one from me and one from Wendy. But I swear it’s good chili.

The thing is, I’ve gotten a little bored with it. So for the heck of it, I arbitrarily picked a chili recipe from an Instant Pot group on FB. This one called for a bunch of stuff I usually don’t use. Garlic, jarred marinara sauce, sliced hot dogs, packaged seasoning mix. I haven’t used packaged seasoning for chili in maybe twenty years. But I needed some shaking up, so I took the recipe and made a few changes for personal preferences.

I added two bell peppers because I like my chili peppery. I used a Portuguese sausage instead of hot dogs. I used canned diced tomatoes instead of stewed tomatoes (in my cooking, I almost always use canned whole tomatoes). I used a small amount of my custom chili powder instead of the bottled chili powder the recipe called for. But yes, I did use canned marinara and packaged seasoning. Oh, and since I shop at half an hour before closing, the supermarket was out of ground beef, ground chicken, and ground turkey. So I used ground pork. The recipe called for two cans of kidney beans, but I used two cans of kidneys, one can of garbanzos, and one can of black beans. I like my chili beany.

It’s delicious. There’s an interesting sweetness and tanginess, I think coming from the canned marinara. The sausage really gives the sauce some depth.

I love chili, and as I’ve learned over the years, it’s a forgiving dish, which makes it great for experimenting. I think for the next few months I’ll try a different recipe each time, just to get out of this rut I’ve been in. Maybe I’ll try the mock Zippy’s recipe floating around out there, with peanut butter and mayo.

I didn’t snack all day. Neither did I go for a walk.

I traded some texts with Crush Girl about our respective work situations. Ali sent me a BuzzFeed list of some interesting misspellings. I don’t think she knows I do the #notagoodsignproject thing, so I mentioned that I collect these kinds of things if they’re photographed by me or someone I know. Then sent her some great examples. Sylvia texted to let me know she went to Safeway and picked up two of the three Lay’s flavors. Pizza and Philly Cheesesteak. She couldn’t find the hot chicken.

Still haven’t written about my not tending to the Monster this week. I’ll do it Wednesday night, perhaps.

And if you’re needing some connectivity in these days of the ‘rona, hit me up in the comments. I’m down for texts, DMs, and IMs. Assuming I get enough sleep.

Monday was a bit rough. After the crappy sleep I documented yesterday, I wasn’t exactly dragging but I was generally unhappy with myself and the world.

However, I submitted work and made progress on a few other things, and productivity always helps with one’s mood. I got a few new assignments to figure out, too. A nice challenge, although the background on one of them is a bit extensive.

In the late afternoon, I had to run to the pharmacy at Kaiser. It was stressful as heck. I requested some prescription refills by mail, but there was a problem with my flex insurance card, and I didn’t figure it out until it was too late to wait for it. Argh.

On the way back, I stopped at L&L for absolutely no good reason. I was hungry, but I have a fridge full of food. I think I just wanted to be out for a little while longer or something. I picked up a couple of things to consume over the next day or so, since I wasn’t exactly thinking of a meal — just hunger.

I was also in desperate need of at least a short nap, so once I wrapped things up at work (I had to work a little later, thanks for the pharmacy errand) I went comatose for 90 minutes or so. Woke up to do the supermarket run I’d been putting off.

I didn’t buy much, but I bought more than I wanted. I had to replace a bunch of stuff I keep in my fridge, which is dying. It’s probably still okay, but I already roll the dice on too many questionable foods; I didn’t think I should do it on a whole fridge’s worth of staples. It hurt to toss it, but thank God (and I did) I have the means to do it. And the temporary dorm fridge in my laundry room to hold me over until I get rid of this ancient battleship in my kitchen.

Yes, the stupid appliance I tried to repair was my fridge. The dorm fridge is not a solution; however, it has really alleviated some stress. I’m in the slow process of removing everything from the old fridge so I can unplug it, clean it out, and get ready for trashing it. It’s going to take a while mostly because I’m just not emotionally prepared for dealing with it all at once.

So mostly I bought Diet Pepsi, stuff for chili, and a few fridge staples: condiments and stuff like that. Also some Ben & Jerry’s, some fresh veggies. I need to build up my hurricane supply too, so I picked up some instant ramen. My something different this time was a six-pack of hard seltzer, which doesn’t further my goal of staying out of cooking ruts, but the store was closing and I needed to grab something.

I have to talk a little about not attacking the Monster’s remnants but I’ll do that for Tuesday’s entry. I spent the time making chili, and then I went to bed early-ish for me, crashing at about 3:30 for a 9:30 alarm. Small steps: I’ll go to bed earlier Tuesday night even if I have to skip something else.

Breakfast was a slice of the POG pie. It was pretty dang good. I would suggest it’s not quite poggy enough, ‘though it’s a good, dense, fruity pie with a nice crust. Lunch was a BBQ cheeseburger from L&L and half a loco moco. Note to self: an L&L BBQ cheeseburger is plenty filling enough. I didn’t know. I’d never had one before. Taking a lesson, however, I had for dinner the other L&L BBQ cheeseburger I picked up, right before I made an enormous pot of chili which I’m saving for Tuesday.

I may have munched on a few Lay’s NY Pizza chips while I prepared the chili for the Instant Pot. Few enough to finish the bag, anyway.

My media consumption was just podcasts, the news, and music. I hit the “radio” button on White Zombie’s “More Human than Human” and left it there pretty much all day. Since I’m rested enough and sorta caught up on work, I’ll probably watch something Tuesday evening. Maybe Orange is the New Black or one of the movies I have waiting for me.

I traded some work-related texts with Laura, who was helping me with the story I finished Monday. Sylvia wanted to know more about the NY Pizza chips, so we texted about that a little. Crush Girl wasn’t having a good day after not a very good weekend, so I tried to be encouraging, but sometimes a weekend and its following Monday are just crap, and there’s nothing to be done about it except listen, if the person feels like talking.

I hope if you’re reading this and you need someone to (virtually) talk to about your crappy weekend, you’ll reach out here. I just received a meeting invitation for mid-December — a Zoom meeting at work. This means my employer doesn’t expect us all back in the office before year’s end, which means this long haul we’re in is going to be longer. I’m not daunted. Reach out because we’re all going to need each other. Dammit.

Sunday was a bit less of a black hole, although there’s a good chance I’ve forgotten much of it because I’m writing about it on Monday night past 11:00. Yikes.

I didn’t sleep much Saturday. Stayed up until past 5 in the morning and was out of bed a little past 8. I called my folks just to check up on them — they seemed to be okay. My mom has been pretty bored but she’s resigned to the reality, which is a lesson most of my fellow Hawaii residents could probably take from her.

There’s a Japanese phrase, possibly more attributed to my mother’s people by Western writers than by actual Japanese people: shikata ga nai. It cannot be helped. It’s undoubtedly part of the Japanese ethic, whether the phrase itself is truly spoken much in Japan or not. This sense of accepting one’s burdens, carrying them without complaining or dwelling on them, is a piece of the overal Japanese aesthetic. The impermanence of all things. The irretrievable beauty of each passing moment.

I could hear it in my mom’s voice. “Of course I don’t like this, but we just have to be patient,” she said. That’s right, mom. Hang in there.

I had a slice of custard pie for breakfast, did one of my three usual Sunday crosswords, read the news, and went back to bed until sometime past 1:00. Or maybe 2:00. I got up and ate the leftover steak with white rice for lunch while I watched Drinking Buddies (2013), a film with Olivia Wilde and Anna Kendrick. Quite a good indie flick, with better acting from Wilde than I think I’ve seen. This is my nineteenth Anna Kendrick movie, by the way. Ten more to go to complete the set.

I don’t know what happened to the rest of the day. I conked out without putting myself properly to bed, and was alternately uncomfortably awake and uncomfortably asleep most of the night. Around two in the morning, I kind of gave up trying to get back to sleep, and drove to the strip mall to hit Longs for some Diet Pepsi. I’d meant to make a supermarket run just before closing Sunday night but although I set my alarm for it I just didn’t have it in me to get out of bed and do it.

However, with fresh consciousness at two, I figured I could at least get the Diet Pepsi, which I was down to two bottles of. That’s usually what I drink but I didn’t want to be caught without one if I needed a third Monday, which I intended to be super productive.

I drove home and drove right back to the strip mall because I forgot to mail my Netlix DVDs back, and I wanted to get them in the mail in time to receive the next discs in queue before the weekend. It still might not happen.

The sun was coming up by the time I crashed again, a couple of hours before my 9:00 a.m. Monday morning alarm.

There wasn’t much texting or messaging Sunday. The group text with Julie, Suzanne, and Cindy (my engineering coworkers) continued our conversation about the gentlemen’s club and the virus. Early reports were wrong, and it turns out the club was probably not infected, at least not by this patient.

Sylvia texted me a photo of her breakfast from Pancakes and Waffles. She had the country fried steak with sausage gravy. I’ve had that there; it’s quite good.

That was it! It was enough. Add the phone call to the family and it was definitely enough interpersonal reaction for a lazy Sunday.

No. I didn’t go for a walk. Darn it.

Somewhere in the day, I ate the last slice of the Zippy’s custard pie, and that’s all I ate Sunday. Two slices of pie and some steak and rice.

It wasn’t much of a day, and I think the weird sleep kind of dominated. I have got to make more of an effort to get some regular sleep. The Darth Vader machine is trying to keep me alive and I’m not letting it.

I’m feeling slightly less need for connectivity lately, but I’m grateful for what I’ve got. I’ve got room, if you could use some of the same. Hit me up in the comments, or reach out some other way.