chalkdust

Interesting how once I identified it, it wasn’t as bad. I mean, it’s still kind of there; I just didn’t indulge it, except for a 20-minute nap break after lunch, which I’ve taken most days anyway.

Today’s nap didn’t feel like the everyday naps — it felt like what it’s been these past few days, that kind of gradual sinking into the quicksand of non-feeling. It’s so tempting to stay there, but I resisted.

I’m turning in early in hopes of a quick swim Saturday morning. I know, I know. I hate the thought of all those people out there, but I can’t keep putting this off. I need some ocean time and if I keep not going, I’m only going to keep feeling crappy.

In my ears: the new album from Axel Rudi Pell, Sign of the Times. It’s big, dumb, arena rock, albeit with better than fair guitar chops. I’ve never been much of a fan, but I’m in the mood for new music that doesn’t distract me from my writing. It seriously sounds like it came right off MTV circa 1985. Unchallenging and fun.

Work was okay. I chose a tedious, time-consuming task so I could do it with the TV on (Orange is the New Black season one disc 4). Also because I procrastinated on it until the day it was due. It took longer this time than usual. It’s my monthly report, a kind of summary of the work I completed and the work in progress, divided into categories.

Took longer because it’s also my monthly occasion for going through the previous month’s emails to make sure I didn’t let anything slip through the cracks. I did! Darn it. Two things, now re-added to my list. There are no one-on-one conversations in the office now, and everything is an email, and my emails for April were impressively numerous.

It also took longer because for some reason the list itself was long, as if I were busier in April than usual. I’m not buying it, but it’s tough to argue with the list. I never pad that thing — in fact, I’ve often left things off that I thought made me look more productive than I was. I’m telling you, and I’m not being modest, that I do not think I worked that hard last month. Being productive was the hard work, but I don’t think that translates to a longer list of stuff.

Anyway. I have stuff I’d like to get done this weekend again. Maybe this weekend I’ll actually do it.

Breakfast was a bowl of cereal. Yesterday I wrote that I had Honey Bunches of Oats, forgetting that at the grocery store a week ago, I opted for the store-brand, discount equivalent. I noticed it too, before I remembered what I’d done. Still tasty, but not quite as tasty.

Lunch was turkey chili and hapa rice. Dinner was unintentionally tortilla chips and salsa. Meant it to be a snack but I just kinda kept going until I didn’t care to have dinner anymore. I also finally got through the tiramisu Oreos, polishing off the last three sometime after lunch.

I’m skipping the walk this evening so I can get up early for the beach. If I get there as early as I expect, I’ll walk before the swim, since I’ll have to wait an hour for the dawn.

Around mid-morning, I called my mom and dad. They seem to be doing well. Still. I think they’re encouraged by the low numbers of COVID-19 cases — we had zero new cases for the first time since they started testing, and planned to hit the Navy Exchange Saturday. I also made arrangements to visit Sunday for Mothers Day. I’m not going to hang out, just dropping off a gift at the front door for my dad to carry upstairs to the house. Then calling my mom on the phone from the driveway while she looks down from the lanai.

That’s the plan anyway. Both parents said I was welcome to stay for a while, but I nixed that. I’m still not feeling safe, and I can’t take the thought of contaminating them.

I also texted Ali in Boston, around my lunchtime, which is shortly after the end of her workday. For once, she responded right away and we actually had a meaningful conversation, although she (as usual) wasn’t very expressive about whatever is going on in her life. She insists she’s an open book but getting anything out of her most of the time is impossible.

Unless she’s pissed. It’s getting so I like it better when she’s pissed, just because it means she opens up a little more. As long as I’m not the one she’s pissed at.

Very late in the evening I texted Crush Girl to wish her a happy weekend. I didn’t think I’d hear back from her but still wanted her to know I was thinking of her.

I think Saturday I’m going to get takeout for all three meals. Just feel a little like having someone else’s cooking, even though I love this pot of chili I made.

My new Katatonia CD came in the mail this week. I imported into my iTunes. I was amused by the sticker on the shrink-wrap, which read, “Katatonia’s new studio opus of absorbing, soaring progressive rock and meticulously crafted doses of melancholy.”

Meticulously crafted doses of melancholy. That should either be my epitaph or the bio on my book jacket when I publish the Great American Novel someday. Also, it’s a perfect description of the album, which like most of their stuff in recent years has been gorgeously moody.

Time to turn in. Reach out if you’re needing someone to connect with. I’m right –> there.

April 5, 1994. Kurt Cobain killed himself. There’s an essay in me about that day, but I’m not writing it now. I’m just remembering how it led to almost two weeks of staying in bed, miserable, partially for Kurt but also for me.

I was nearly finished with my first academic year at UH Hilo, a difficult, challenging, almost desperate year headed for a glorious finish. I’d be awarded a creative writing award in a week or two. I had a cool summer job lined up. I was on the newspaper staff, and I’d made real friends — fellow English majors, the newspaper crew, and the campus ministry friends. Most importantly, I’d made enough progress that I was finally finally finally finally finally about to have senior status.

Two more semesters. All I had to do was get through two more semesters and eight years after graduating high school, I would finally have my bachelor’s degree.

In those ten or so days a month before finals week, I almost blew it. I went to bed and crawled out to eat, use the bathroom and somehow (somehow!) make it to my weekend job.

Side note: it’s not that surprising, really. In my history with this thing, I’ve always managed to get to work and do my job. I hadn’t had it long enough in 1994 to understand it yet, but this thing was low-grade, something I managed without counseling or medication. Not powerful enough to devastate me, but tough enough to mess up more than its fair share of semesters.

By this point in my college career, I at least knew enough about myself to know it was coming. So at the beginnings of all my semesters in Hilo, I made sure to get off to a really, really good start. To meet with professors during office hours, to make friends in class, and to establish enough goodwill to get me some mercy when I missed a week or two of classes. I turned long-term assignments in early.

I think often about this time, because it was one of those cases when this near-crippling burden had a reason, and when it felt miserable. Also, it’s one of the few I remember specifically because it’s tied to Kurt’s death.

I forget that most of them don’t feel miserable. They feel numb. I don’t stay in bed because I feel terrible; I stay in bed for no discernable reason. I get up and do things — go to work, make a meal, use the bathroom — and then go right back to bed, and it’s a relief. It’s nothingness, and it’s a relief.

I realized this evening that I’m in it. I was looking one way for dark clouds on the horizon and this other thing snuck up on me from the other direction. It’s been so long that I didn’t even realize it. I thought I was ill, and maybe I am, but it’s not just physical illness. Perhaps the emotional stuff was brought on by illness, or perhaps the two illnesses merely coincide, but dang it. It’s weird that I forgot what it was like.

Anyway it helps that I know what it is now. It doesn’t feel like it’ll last very long. Although who knows?

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Work was difficult. In fact, I’m writing this now and then getting back to it. I didn’t return a few emails because I just didn’t want to deal with stuff. This is bad. I’ve got to clean this up before it gets really bad.

Food was good today. For breakfast I had the leftover mashed potatoes with green beans and corn. I made some turkey chili for lunch in the Instant Pot. It came out pretty great. I had it for dinner too. With hapa rice. I had five or six tiramisu Oreos for a snack, a few after lunch and a couple after dinner.

Lying in bed numb, I realized I’d just stay there if I didn’t get up and do something. So I went for a short walk — we’re talking fewer than 4000 steps. Just walked down the hill, put my Netflix DVD in the dropbox, walked around the neighborhood a little, then went to Long’s. I didn’t even need anything, but I spent $40 on some canned goods, some frozen food, and a bottle of local honey. Just to shop. Just to do something normal.

It was a small triumph. I’m glad I did it.

My first text message this morning was from AJ in San Diego. She sent me a tracking link for the puzzle she mailed me. She’s so funny. And adorable.

JB messaged me to tell me he and his son have a favorite Korean baseball team. In case you don’t know, the Korean Baseball Organization (don’t ask me why it has an English name with an English acronym) opened play this week, and ESPN is contracted to air their games, with American broadcasters doing play-by-play and color commentary. American sports fans are so starved for sports I expect it to be a big hit. I don’t have ESPN so I can’t watch, but I think it’s just as well.

Crush Girl texted me and I can’t say what we conversed about without giving away identifying info about her, but it was nice, and I was able to do her a long-distance small favor. It made me feel good. And it was nice to hear from her.

Okay. Insert my usual message here about reaching out if you’re having difficulty connecting. I may not respond right away, but I’ll get to you! I’m going to answer a few emails and get to bed.

Friday will be a better day!

I felt slightly unwell today. It started off okay but all my energy drained out of me sometime after the daily Zoom meeting. I dozed off and didn’t get up until well after the end of my workday. It was a little weird.

Mostly worked on emails and a couple of stories I didn’t get far enough on. Had a phone meeting and the Zoom meeting. And then nothing. Ugh.

Breakfast was the last of my pulled pork leftovers, with rice leftover from that McD’s breakfast platter Tuesday night. It wasn’t really enough for a full meal so I chased it with a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats.

Lunch was a couple of slices of sourdough with some good cheddar. Dinner, which I just finished, was instant mashed potatoes with canned corn and canned green beans. Simple but filling, salty, and yummy.

I had four tiramisu Oreos as a snack, also just now.

I got a text message from Jenny, asking for some advice with a letter she was writing. That let to a little more conversation. It’s always great to hear from her. I think she’s doing some consulting work for HBA now, based on the little bit of copy I helped her with.

Jennifer M sent me a photo of a misspelling in a local news graphic. I think Hawaii people have problems with plurals ending in -ISTS, often leaving the second (nearly silent) S off the end of words like FLORISTS and SCIENTISTS.

I sent my sister a text about Mothers Day.

Ryan responded to a text I sent him late Tuesday night. About the Hawaii Stories project.

AJ in San Diego asked me for my address — she wants to send me a jigsaw puzzle she says was too intense for her to finish. I think that’s incredibly sweet and kind of cute. There are worse things than to be the person who comes to mind when other people think of puzzles. It’s gotten me a couple of fun, paying gigs.

Yes, I skipped my walk again this evening. Hopefully I’ll feel better Thursday so I can get back out there. Kalihi needs haunting, and its feral cats need to be photographed.

I watched the first disc of Orange is the New Black season 1. Again. I own the first three seasons on DVD but haven’t watched past Season 2 for some reason. So I’m starting over from the beginning.

I’m flagging. Back to bed. Please reach out if you’re having difficulty connecting. People are speaking as if the end is in sight, but I’m not buying it. There could be a long way to go. Don’t go it alone if you don’t want to.

Aaaand tonight I’ll start with: work. I got home from the laundry and went to bed, getting up an hour before I was scheduled to begin work. I took the morning off, so I didn’t have to be on the clock until noon.

Emails took a little longer than usual, and I had to do some reading for a Zoom meeting about potential future proposals. Then the usual daily Zoom meeting, and work on some copy introducing one of our publications.

That didn’t leave a lot of time for working on the two stories I have lined up. It’s okay. I’ve been thinking about each for more than a week, and I’ve already done the interviews. Unless something comes up, I think I can get both done in a day.

I skipped the walk Tuesday evening. I’m trying to reset my clock, and although I can’t get it all back in one night, if I can get to bed very soon I’ll be okay Wednesday at work and then hopefully set the clock back another hour or two for Wednesday night. That’s the plan, anyway. I can’t simply let myself continue to slide later and later into vampire hours. It’s ridiculous. The sun’s been out and shining almost every night by the time I put myself to bed lately, Monday night the lone exception for the laundry.

I did a few chores, then tried to get water refills at the supermarket. No luck. It was still out of order. So I looked up alternate locations in my area. There was one in an area suuuuuper sketchy at night. I chanced it. Actually, I almost chanced it. On my way there, I saw some machines outside a convenience store in a slightly less sketchy area. The machines looked a little sketchy, but what the heck. At the worst, they’re just selling me regular tap water. And regular tap water is fine as long as it doesn’t taste like the water at my house.

Hopefully I won’t have to go through this again. I’m set for just under a week.

Okay I gotta hurry.

Breakfast: leftover penne. Lunch: sourdough bread with good cheddar. A simple but delicious meal. Dinner: I didn’t want to do this but it was getting late, so on the way home from refilling my water jugs, I went to McD’s and had a local deluxe breakfast platter. It’s a cholesterol bomb. I probably erased weeks worth of overnight oats.

For snacks, I had three tiramisu Oreos.

Then I watched Joker, about which I’ll reflect later. I kinda wanted to hate it, but I don’t. It’s a very, very, very well-made movie and I doubt I’ll ever watch it again.

Not too much interaction today but it was good. I texted Crush Girl to ask if she was having a better day, which led to some conversation about our governor’s overly hasty re-opening of some businesses in the state. Neither of us is very comfortable with it.

I texted Sylvia to tell her to let me know if she needed more yeast or flour. That led to some conversation about Taco Bell, including a selfie from her in the drive-through. Then Susannah texted me to ask if I’d gotten her submission for the Hawaii Stories project. All good interactions with people who make my life better.

Joker was a downer. I’m trying to fight off some yuckiness before turning in. Writing this stuff down helped some; I’ll probably drift off while listening to a podcast, my comfort listening when I lay me down to sleep.

I’m going to try to make waffles sometime tomorrow.

Non-sequitur memory that just popped into my head: when I lived in an off-campus Christian dorm while still studying at UH Manoa (before my transfer to UH Hilo), I took up pie-baking as a hobby. My close friends know apple pie is probably my favorite dessert (Dutch apple from Anna Millers when I can get it; ala mode of course), and dorm living gave me a chance to really explore cooking, something I’d done a lot at home but not very adventurously. So yeah, apple pie. Our campus ministry director took an interest in my efforts and even gave me a pastry cutter as a gift when I couldn’t attend an appreciation lunch of some sort.

I was determined that the crust was the most critical element. You can luck into a good filling just by tossing the requisite ingredents into a pie tin. So it took a lot of practice, and I got to where my pies were pretty decent. Certainly not up to Anna Miller standards, but good enough to share un-selfconsciously.

That’s what I did. I’d eat a few slices myself, share a few with whoever was around when I was done baking, and leave one or two for the girls in the dorm. Slick, huh? The dining area had a row of refrigerators, and each of us was assigned one shelf in one fridge. We all knew whose shelves were whose because our names were on the fridge doors. I’d decide whom to leave some pie for, put it on a small dish with plastic wrap over it, then just leave it on someone’s shelf to be discovered later.

I was then and I still am a shameless flirt.

I’m down to exchange non-sequitur memories with you if you’ve got ’em. Reach out and connect, especially if you’re having difficulty connecting. I won’t do Zoom meetings or voice calls, but we can trade texts or DMs or IMs if you’re down for that.

Some questions I’m asking myself about this lockdown journaling.

• Is it lame that I almost always begin with work? When I sit down to write about my day, it’s the first thing on my mind, almost without fail, and I suspect it has the most influence on my feelings about a day, at least on weekdays.
• Three specific things I’m logging for my own record of the era are exercise, food, and work. On one hand it’s convenient because they’re the constants; on another it seems mundane and basic, as if the depth and feelings about my existence swivel on what I do to earn my money, what I put into my body, and where I take my body.
• The fourth, I think, is not something someone would predict but which definitely makes a difference: the record of my interactions with others. The days are something of a blur, but one thing that marks any kind of movement through time is the conversations I have with people who are important to me. I kind of want to be more detailed about these things for this reason — I mean, in fifteen years, if I look back on these scribblings, will I remember or care who these people are if I can’t recall specifically what we talked about?

No further rumination today on these silly self-referential questions. It’s a journal. The only real task is to write whatever I’m thinking about, and unless I’m worried that what I’m thinking about reveals a rut in my thinking (a very real possibility, but one I’m willing to endure for now), I think maybe I shouldn’t waste energy considering it. Just shut up and write.

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Work was something of a slog, but I powered my way through this proposal that’s been nagging at me since before we moved out of the office. I finally, finally got a (first!) draft to the development officer and I think it look pretty okay for a first draft. It took far too long and it was far too much work although I don’t think it was especially difficult.

This is one aspect of the actual mechanics of work that suffers when I’m working from home. My internet connection at home isn’t one millionth as good as the connection at the office (for reasons I don’t want to get into). At the office, I’m working on dual monitors on elevated stands, so I’m looking slightly upward at the screens the way you’re supposed to. At home, I’m working on the tiny screen of the work-assigned laptop, something that works fine for writing but horribly for layout work in InDesign or photo editing in Photoshop.

I suspect I’m going to be working from home a lot more, even once they open the offices back up, so I’m going to order some new monitors when I next get paid. Even if I have to get something cheap (and I probably will) and even if I have to order one at a time. I just really need to see my work better if I’m going to do it as well as I expect. My eyes are exhausted to the point of tears by the end of most workdays, especially days when I’m running on insufficient sleep.

Some people at work asked to take their monitors home. I might have as well if my setup at work wasn’t such a pain to break down. I really, really wish I’d thought to ask if I could bring my office chair home, because my chair at home makes things pretty difficult too. I’m not exactly complaining, because the chair I have at home is fine, and it’s better than I’ve lived with in other times in my life (I’m thinking of my apartment in Hilo when I did all that reading in a resin lanai chair in my bedroom), but compared to a decent office chair, it’s pretty unforgiving.

So the proposal took up most of my day, which means I had to push a few things to Tuesday. I’m not super happy about this. I am, however, suuuuuuper relieved to have these two nagging proposals off my desk and in the hands of my partners for edit suggestions. I’m got some things on hold that I can focus on now without stressing out.

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Breakfast was a bowl of Churros cereal again. I’ve finally finished that box and can think about other things. More overnight oats and one of those three (!) boxes of cereal I picked up at the supermarket last Thursday night.

A very late lunch was some penne and jarred sauce I made in the Instant Pot. It came out great. I didn’t even feel the need to add some of that blue cheese I’m worried about finishing before it turns. Just red pepper flakes and brown sugar, right in the pressure cooker. Wonderful.

I made my second attempt at sourdough, which was sort of my late dinner. I think it came out great, but I’m learning that almost everything out of the bread machine tastes great when it’s super fresh like that. The test will be how the bread tastes later Tuesday. Already better than my first loaf, I’m pretty sure.

I don’t remember snacking during the day, so focused was I on my freaking proposal, but I may have had one or two tiramisu Oreos. They’re sitting there on my desk when I usually keep them in the cabinet. I either moved them there and forgot about them or I had a few and just don’t remember.

Skipped the walk because it’s laundry day. I was suuuuuper inconvenienced on the way in when the water machine outside the supermarket was out of order. Dang, this puts a little speedbump in my day. I’ll probably have to stop at a convenience store on my way home from the laundry just to pick up a few bottles of drinking water.

Sylvia and I had a text conversation about the sourdough crackers she’s been making — she’s not using the starter for bread even while she’s baking bread. She’s using them for crackers. I might have to give that a try.

Crush Girl reached out to ask how my day was going, which led to a conversation about streaming services. She’s thinking of jumping from one to another. She also tried a second dish at that place we’ve both been wanting to try, and said the furikake mahi was just okay. I talked a little about planning to make sourdough waffles this week. Also agreed to pass along some yeast and flour if she wants it. We’re thinking Wednesday as a possibility. It’ll be nice to see her, even if only in passing.

Laura from work and I texted a little about the #givingtuesdaynow effort. She shared with me a tweet from a donor relations expert we both follow. It was an interesting conversation, and she was in a lousy mood for totally understandable reasons. I don’t think I was any help at all.

Jennifer O texted me to talk about her story in the Hawaii Stories project.

F5 Girl and I IMed a little about cars and fast food.

I skipped the walk because laundry. Which has been folded and packed up for fifteen minutes but I’m still here so I can finish writing this.

Whatever you’re dealing with and wherever you are, if you’re having difficulty finding someone to connect with in this pande-monium, I’m inviting you to reach out. Let’s trade a few texts or DMs. Maybe you can tell me what you’re eating, what’s going on at work, and what you’re doing for fresh air and sunshine.

I’m beginning to realize that it takes a little more effort than I anticipated not to slide into hermit mode. Sometimes I envy people who crave the company of others. I’m fine without it, but left to my own solitude, I go so into myself that the whole apparatus seems to turn inside out, kind of black-hole-like. I don’t exactly want to lock myself in a dark room and stay in bed all day, but I also kind of want to.

The darkness is a temptress, promising anonymity and freedom to be whatever I want without judgment. In the dark, nobody sees what I look like, and nobody remembers the stupid hurtful things I’ve let slip out of my mouth. I can’t fail to meet any goals because I don’t bother setting them. Oh, and the self-loathing! It feels so great to feel so terrible about myself.

I did (finally, at midnight) force myself out for a walk, telling myself (as I did Wednesday night, I think it was) it would just be a short walk to the stripmall. I want to make waffles and I don’t have any eggs, so I invented the errand of getting eggs from the open-all-night Long’s store in my hood. The walk is what I needed. Of course once I got moving, breathing the fresh cool air and feeling the pulse of Kalihi as it slept, I felt great, still anonymous but among the living, which at that hour consists mostly of fellow nameless ghosts like me, spooking the mostly empty streets.

I wonder if it’s why I like hanging out in cafes. In the world but not of the world, as someone says in the gospel of John. Or why I feel so good at the all-night laundry every week, writing under the harsh fluorescent lighting while cramming too much McDonald’s food into my hole.

Whatever the reasons, I’m presented again with anecdotal evidence that getting outdoors and moving around for ninety to a hundred and fifty minutes is one of the tiny handful of things keeping me Velcroed to the — to whatever real life is in this week’s incarnation by this week’s definition. I walked down to the fourth-nearest 7-Eleven (I think; it could be the third-nearest or fifth-nearest) to get a money order for the rent, then wandered around in the area for a little. Then back to the stripmall to drop a Netflix DVD into a mailbox and get those eggs.

The walk back from the drugstore was a little weird. I was suddenly really, really hungry, shaking a little from the hunger by the time I got back to the crib. Mostly I’m glad I did it. It added up to 10,408 steps, about a mile shorter than my usual walk, but it felt like it was longer.

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Breakfast. A bowl of cereal. I’ve avoided naming it because it’s embarrassing, but it’s that Churros cereal by the Cinnamon Toast Crunch people. Basically the same cereal in a different shape and not as good.

I kind of skipped lunch, then for dinner I had an enormous bowl of mashed potatoes and two heads of broccoli, steamed in the Instant Pot. The broccoli came out great. I normally do something to the potatoes, like stir in some wasabi oil, or add sauerkraut, or at least chop up some decent cheddar, but it’s been a while since I had mashed potatoes so I had them plain. It was all quite filling and delicious.

I guess I can call that lunch because when I got back from the walk, I had a couple of quesadillas. I had four tiramisu Oreos for a snack and I’m about to get two to four more. Still kind of hungry from the walk.

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I did all three of my usual Sunday crosswords — New York Times, L.A. Times, and Washington Post. I usually spread those out over the week, but I really needed them Sunday. Somewhere in there I worked on two of ten stories for the Hawaii Stories project. Not quite as much progress as I had in mind, but pretty good work.

Most of my interaction was intermittent IMs with F5 girl. I probably needed more.

Nothing else to say and it’s nearly 5:30 in the morning, and of course I have to be at my desk for work at 9:30.

Not my best day, but a better day than I’ve been having. I invite you to reach out if you’re having similar. Or even if you’re not. I’m good with texting, or IMs, or DMs. Whatever works!

Another strange day. I got up around 9 after only three hours of sleep. Had a few bites of potato salad so I could take my meds. Then read the news and did the NYT crossword. Then back to bed of course.

I did a few more crosswords and had pulled pork and kale on hapa rice for lunch, although I guess it was more of a late breakfast. So good.

The rest of the day was a combination of doing nothing and doing little tasks. I did take apart that PC, breaking it into its components and tossing its pieces in the trash. We’re allowed to throw electronic trash in the bin here. Our trash gets separated and then burned for electricity. I took it all out, even the motherboard, except the DVD and CDR drives. The best thing about PCs is how easy they are to open up and add stuff to or subtract stuff from.

I saved the ZIP drive for use later. I have some old teacher stuff on ZIP discs somewhere, and I wouldn’t mind rescuing it. The hard drive I’ll destroy and throw away separarately later. Wish I could get the DVD and CDR drives out. They’re held in by some weird connector I haven’t seen, like rivets or something. I could slide them back in the rack but couldn’t get the rack itself out.

I’m thinking of holding on to the case too, although I can’t really imagine why.

Late lunch was overnight oats. Very late dinner was more pork and kale. Somewhere in there I also had four tiramisu Oreos.

I did not go for a walk. Again. Will do it Sunday evening for sure.

I got some of those masks I ordered on Etsy. The ants tried to move into one of the envelopes, big time. I had to tear the package open and let them take their larvae somewhere else. They left a mess, too; I’m going to have to rinse one of the masks out before I wear it, although I think I’ll probably launder it too.

Also in the mail: Silicon Valley season 5. Aaaand that’s where the rest of my day went. I have been saying for years that don’t have the attention span for a TV binge anymore, but I had it in me for this. Pretty good season. And oh my goodness, Amanda Crew.

I got texts from Sharon who sent a photo of a jigsaw puzzle she’s working on. Forgot to respond until just now. She sent it while I was still in bed this morning. Also from San Diego AJ, responding to a question I asked a couple of days ago. JB sent me a photo of his bottle of Suntori Toki, saying how good it is. I agree; it’s insipid but tasty and very drinkable. I’ve got a bottle of my own. Sylvia sent me photos of her latest loaf of bread. Beer bread. It looks pretty dang good. My uncle sent me an IG photo of some positive advice, which was nice. F5 girl sent me a video of her favorite band. It was all very nice and not very challenging, perfect for a day like today.

Not the most productive day. I’ll make up for it Sunday. For sure! Taking care of the PC that’s been taking up space on my desk for centuries was good for me; it felt good and it did good for my living space. I need more of that for Sunday.

I’m going to make my second attempt at sourdough Sunday too. I don’t have a lot of experience with blue cheese and I’m a little nervous about the lovely wedge I have in the fridge. A decent loaf of bread and that ginger-peach jelly I brought back from Boston will take care of most of it; I’ll use whatever’s left for some pasta Monday or Tuesday.

Wherever you are and whatever you’re up to, if you need a little bit of connection, I hope you’ll reach out. I’m easy to reach if not always quick to respond. 🙂

I did get permission from my boss to punch in a few hours late. Thank goodness. It was still not very much sleep, but it made a difference, and my tiredness didn’t affect me too much. Got some housekeeping (work housekeeping, not home housekeeping) taken care of and updated my to-do list. Worked on the next proposal, which has been almost done for more than a month. I’m a little annoyed with myself about that one.

InDesign did something funky on me in the wee hours of the day, as I was working on the proposal keeping me up all night. So at the end of our daily department Zoom meeting, I threw it out there for some opinions. Me and three coworkers talking InDesign. It was maybe the highlight of my day. It was just nice to have work-related discussions about an aspect of the work I enjoy, completely detached from work-at-home topics and COVID-19 topics. Felt like a normal work day, except instead of leaning over a cube wall, I stared into my phone.

Aside from personal emails, work emails, and the Zoom meeting, it started off as kind of low-contact day, which my tiredness was totally okay with. Then Crush Girl texted me to tell me about a book she just started and is really enjoying. Man, I love text messages like this. Later, I sent her a screen shot of one of Thursday’s crossword puzzles. It had a long answer that’s the name of a character on her favorite TV show.

My group text with my friends from the engineering firm woke up for a little while, Suzanne mentioning that Hustlers, the Jennifer Lopez film with Constance Wu, is on demand on Showtime. We chatted a bit about whether or not Suzanne owns “stripper shoes,” which I claimed she does.

Sylvia sent me some photos of the sourdough crackers she made. Very cool! I seriously want to try this with my sourdough starter discard.

Jennifer texted me to ask when I’m going to do Led Zep in this FB thing I’m doing. That led to a short conversation about our favorite Zep songs. Sharon texted me a photo of this Korean instant noodle stew she thinks I’ll really like. It looks great; I’m going to try and get my hands on some. F5 girl and I talked a little bit on FB Messenger about this week’s Friday 5 and how long it takes her to drive to Detroit.

Good connection all around, none of it initiated by me. I’ll take it!

I skipped the walk hoping to get to bed early and hit the beach before work, but it’s 4:11 a.m. now, so it’s clearly not going to happen. Bleah. Now I have to wait for Monday or Tuesday, because there’s no way I’m going during the weekend. People in this town do not know how to stay away from me.

Instead, I made a dash to the supermarket. Totally not needed, even though it’s been exactly two weeks since my last visit. I just really want some white rice, something I haven’t had much of, and certainly not in my house, for several years. When I make rice at home, it’s brown rice. But there are some super simple dishes I favor that don’t work with brown rice, so I’m going to try making hapa rice (a first for me) and see how that goes. So while I was there I picked up Diet Pepsi, some veggies (peppers, onions, bok choi, potatoes), some canned things, milk, and (holy cow) three boxes of breakfast cereal. No, I do not know what got into me.

Oh wait; yes I do. I’ll get into it more later (because I’m tired), but one of the sports podcasts I listen to every day had an interesting conversation about breakfast cereal, so I’ve had cereal on my mind non-stop for two days. It’s so bad for me, but I really love breakfast cereal.

Food. I pretty much ate the same thing all day. I woke up not very hungry. I had a few bites of the pulled pork (with Carolina-style BBQ sauce) just because my meds go down better when I have food in my stomach. Just before the Zoom meeting, I threw in a bag of chopped kale and pressure-cooked it for five minutes. That was lunch, the wonderfully vinegary pork and kale, in some orphan hot dog buns. Dinner was more of the same.

I didn’t snack all day, but right now I’m taking a few hits off a snack-size bag of Cheetos Popcorn. I’m so not into Cheetos that this little bag is going to last me a few days.

I’m only aware of two metal albums coming out today, both of which I’ve a passing interest in. Havok and Vader. They can wait. There’s still some good stuff from last Friday I haven’t checked out yet. There doesn’t seem to be anything in non-metal either.

There’s a five-hour PBS series on Asian Americans, May 11 and 12. The PBS website says

Asian Americans is a five-hour film series that delivers a bold, fresh perspective on a history that matters today, more than ever. As America becomes more diverse, and more divided while facing unimaginable challenges, how do we move forward together? Told through intimate personal stories, the series will cast a new lens on U.S. history and the ongoing role that Asian Americans have played.

Some people I follow on Twitter are in it. Advance word is that it’s quite good. I’m mostly writing this here to remind myself, but hey. If you’re looking at this, especially if you’re not Asian American, I’d encourage you to check it out. Asian American history and culture are American history and culture, but it is so seldom represented in either the history classes or pop culture. Yes, it’s a lot better now than it was even a few years ago. Still, I feel almost as disincluded today as I did when I was nine.

There’s a tiny chance an Asian will be the vice president in a few months. Kamala Harris is on the shortlist. Tammy Duckworth is on the long list. This could go a looooong way.

I’m babbling now. Time for bed. If you’ve got something to babble about and need someone to whom you might babble, please reach out. I’m here for it!

Weeeeeeeelllllll it’s 6:33 Thursday morning and I just pulled an all-nighter. I’m only writing this now because of compulsion: I am pretty sure I won’t write it at all if I don’t do it now.

I just couldn’t get that proposal done during my workday. I tried. But it was a very warm afternoon. There was a lot of noise outside. I kept getting emails. I couldn’t focus.

Around 10:30 in the evening, I went for a walk. Got back around 1:30 and sloooooowly got going on the proposal, not really finding my groove until about 2:30. I emailed it to the development officer at 6:00. Then I emailed my supervisor to ask if I could punch in a few hours later than usual Thursday. I don’t think I really need those few hours of sleep, but I’ll take them if I can get them.

It was laborious, but I admit once I found my groove I kind of thrived on the challenge. Writing is so much like a puzzle sometimes; if you can see it this way, it almost becomes a game. Sure, it’s a game where you feel like you’re opening a vein just to advance your pieces, yet there are strategies and maneuvers, and trials and errors. And there’s an aesthetic aspect that really turns me on. It’s not enough to get to checkmate — you have to get there when the pieces are arranged prettily on the board.

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Breakfast was overnight oats. Lunch was potatoes and kale. Still delicious the third day in a row. I was going to make pulled pork with Carolina-style barbecue sauce in the Instant Pot, but the pork needed to be defrosted. You’re not supposed to have to defrost stuff before throwing it the IP. Unless it doesn’t fit in the pot. I had to defrost it so I could separate it and get it in there.

So I saved it for after my walk. And had dinner midway: a double cheeseburger and a McChicken sandwich (plain) at the McD’s on Dillingham. They were both yummy, as was the large Diet Coke I washed them down with. I snacked a little on some Cheetos popcorn, but honestly not much. Cheetos flavor just doesn’t do it for me, and I don’t get too excited about packaged popcorn.

However, during a break in the proposal writing, I got all that pork in the IP, and 90 minutes later it was ready. So I had a small bowl of that just to see if it worked. It worked fine, ‘though I’ll wait until Thursday afternoon to finish the dish. I want to throw the second bag of kale in there and let it soak up all that pork yumminess. Kind of a deconstructed laulau with kale instead of luau.

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I traded several emails with Ryan about this new project we’re working on together. It’s mostly him. Also to get him signed up on an alumni thing some coworkers asked me to get him onto. Jennifer and I traded a few texts related to the project with Ryan. San Diego AJ and I texted a little about what’s getting us through the stay-at-home. She’s gotten into jigsaw puzzles. Crush Girl texted me to say she’s almost done with a novel she’s working through, a novel I read two thirds of a couple of years ago and mean to finish soon. F5 girl and I traded IMs about Chicago hot dogs and the Jones Act. Sharon and I IMed each other on the work Skype about a former coworker who recently reached out to her — she’s working where Sharon used to work.

It was a day of interesting connections.

I did minimal work on the Monster. Will have to do a better job Thursday if my whole day hasn’t been ruined by this all-nighter.

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I wish I could spend a little bit of alone time with Crush Girl. She’s easily the only person whose company I really miss in this lockdown. I miss spending time with my parents, but with them, it’s really about just the time spent in their company. I miss conversations with Crush Girl, and I miss learning more about her, something that’s harder to do via text messages.

I know her in one context. I’d like somehow to be more assertive about spending time with her in other contexts, although that could be tricky to execute. We went to a movie once; if we could kind of start there and see what else we like doing together, I think it would be good for me.

If you’re reading this and not connecting as much or as meaningfully as you’d like, I hope you’ll reach out. I’m convinced that a certain amount of some kind of interpersonal connection is necessary for getting through all this craziness. I’m here if you want me.