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If that salt has lost its savor, it ain’t got much in its favor

It’s Veterans Day here in the United States, a federal holiday and a state holiday, which when I was a teacher usually meant a one-day weekend. Saturday and Sunday for work, Monday for relaxing. Normal two-day weekends were seldom real weekends — I usually worked both days.

Thank God we have more state holidays than any state in the union. We also have the longest life expectancy, and I don’t think the two are unrelated.

Now that I’m out of the classroom these eight (wow) years, I no longer really work all weekend, but I still put a good amount of time in, either on Saturday or Sunday, so a three-day weekend usually means a normal two-day weekend.

I went to the office Saturday, but only for a literal couple of hours. In the morning, I met two of the NaNo regulars for a small write-in, where I banged out about 4,000 words. Then got a few things moving in the office, then we had Penny’s birthday dinner at Chicken Factory. I was going to try to wring another thousand words or so out of my brain at the boba spot, but I did the Friday 5 instead. It was good for me.

Sunday I did a little bit of tidying up at home and worked on specs for steaming broccoli in the microwave oven. Broccoli is one of my favorite foods and I prefer it blanched above any other method, but I’m trying to take healthier lunches to work during the week, and while blanching isn’t exactly a hassle, if I can work out a good system for microwave steaming, the time and energy I save will be worth the slight decrease in epicuniary pleasure.

I think I’ve almost got it. Also, I ate a ton of broccoli Sunday.

In between attempts, I just napped. It was such a stressful, tiring week. Then I went to the folks’ place to hang out, watch football, do laundry, and have dinner. I did a couple of crossword puzzles, too, which may have been the most therapeutic activity all weekend.

I’d already blocked today off for work and NaNo, and it was pretty productive both ways. I went over the 20K words mark for NaNo (yay) and am ahead of the pace by about a full day, I think. In the very late afternoon I wasn’t feeling physically well, so I took myself for a long walk. Okay, no. I think that was the most therapeutic activity all weekend. During lunch (microwave-steamed broccoli and rice) I got halfway through Linda Sue Park’s 2001 Newbery-winning A Single Shard, which I’m rereading for the first time. I read it the first time when I was working on my thesis and haven’t been back to read it for pleasure. I thought it was time.

My next read was going to be Erin Entrada Kelly’s Hello Universe, the 2018 Newbery winner. I bought it right after the award was announced but never got to it — in fact, didn’t know anything about it — and was really looking forward to getting to it this weekend.

But, you know. NaNoWriMo. November is the worst time to start a new book. I was trying to work out a reward system, where I’d allow myself to read X pages for every 1000 words I wrote this month, when Crush Girl mentioned to me that she thought it looked interesting. So I lent it to her, alleviating myself of my problem while also doing something nice for her, so double win.

I did not know that Kelly is a writer of Filipino descent, which makes it three Asian American writers who’ve won the Newbery. Linda Sue Park’s A Single Shard, Cynthia Kadohata’s Kira Kira, and now this book by Kelly. At a time when people seem to question my American-ness, I have to say this really resonates.

I practically begged Crush Girl to take her time with the book. I really shouldn’t get started on it until December 1.

And speaking of her, I got to hang out with her outside of our usual context for a very brief moment this weekend, with a small group. It was nice. I managed not to spill anything, offend anyone, or break down crying over the sorry state of the world and my sorry place in it, which I’m always in danger of doing when I have a drink or two.

You gotta love alcohol. It really lets you be yourself!

I’ve been moody as heck all day for no discernable reason, unless it has something to do with the work stress, which has been formidable. I feel like I’m on the verge of plunging into the darkness. I was already kind of teetering on the edge because of some of the other work stuff that’s been bumming me out.

Which is why I’m doing this instead of working on NaNo. Just needed to open up the laptop and write whatever. I think it’s helping, at least a little.

The plan, once I finish this, is to put myself to bed at a very early hour (it’s only 8:30 now) and face the new week determined to reflect light, no matter how many attempts others make at putting it under a bushel. If you hide it under a bushel, it’s lost something quite crucial. Don’t quote me — that’s from Godspell.

My calming mantra all of last week was “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.” It helped. So this week I’m going to repeat the light of the world stuff to myself and see what happens.

I like it because it is bitter, and because it is my heart. That was my mantra for weeks before last week. I liked it (I liked it because it is bitter and because it is my heart) but I think maybe now I need to focus on more forward-thinking thoughts. This week’s episode of Heavyweight has convicted me about not being who I was, but being who I am and who I hope to be.

The Heavyweight podcast usually inspires while also making me want to stab myself in the heart (my bitter heart) with my own pen because the writing is so good it’s maddening, but this week it just inspired me. It was either not written quite as amazingly as usual, or I’m pretty pleased with the quality of my own output this week.

I just deleted a funny, self-deprecating line here because it wasn’t in keeping with the positive note I hoped to end on. So you’ll just have to imagine it. You’d have laughed!

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Gummy one reason

I’m unusually stressed. I was going to text someone completely uninvolved just to get it out, but that person is ill and I’d rather not bother her at close to eleven in the evening.

I did text my friend Suzanne because I’m sure she’s up (and possibly out) but haven’t heard back from her. I figure that’s my sign. I’ll just deal with it myself, and with Ronald McDonald.

I don’t plan to write about any of it here, so I’m just hoping the act of writing something will help calm me down.

I know I shouldn’t stress-eat. I shouldn’t eat my feelings either and you should have seen my dietary behavior when I was in the depths of my Crush Girl misery. Helllllloooooo Cinnabon.

That was actually Suzanne’s fault too. When I texted her that I’d asked Crush Girl out and been rejected, she said, “Let’s to go Cinnabon!” We didn’t go that day, but you can believe I went later. And later. And. Later.

Cinnabon is amazingly effective at making you feel better. But only while you’re eating it. Then when it’s all over, you’re like, “Holy crap, not only am I still in this crappy situation but now I have eaten a CINNABON as well,” and you just feel lousier.

I don’t think I’ve written about Suzanne here. I met her when I was working for the engineering firm in Chinatown. Cornell grad (oh wait a minute, I have mentioned her but I haven’t said who she is) and a really supportive friend. She does a good job of sympathizing and then making you feel tougher.

Oh, I’ll write about this part of it. I sorta took care of the non-work-related stressful stuff. I really wanted to get some emails taken care of, so I got in my car to head to the boba cafe I’m so fond of. Pulled into the lot with two hours before closing, and realized I’d left my laptop in my living room.

Drove home. Grabbed laptop. Headed back to the cafe, but midway there I realized I didn’t know where my phone was. I called out “Hey Siri!” a few times but Siri didn’t respond. Noooooooo. Drove home and found my phone next to the spot where my laptop had been, with the flashlight still on. Urrrrrrggggggghhhhh. Got back to the cafe with a little more than an hour before closing.

At least I got the emails done. For a moment, though, I was having the worst evening in a very long time. Coulda been worse: I wasn’t sure what I’d done with my phone — I thought there was a fair chance I’d left it on the roof of my car (something I’ve never done, but there’s a good chance I will someday). But you know, most things are taken care of as best they can. Yet there’s still this hard, squiggly ball in the pit of my stomach.

Which I am now trying to feed with a Big Mac and fries. I don’t think it’s working.

I’m involved in a rather big project at work. The task itself is not daunting, even though possibly a hundred million dollars are at stake, and that’s not an exaggeration. I’m confident enough in my writing and in my coworkers’ talents (I’m the best writer in my company, but I don’t think I’m the third most creative or artistic person within fifteen feet of my desk), so I’m sure we’re going to knock this thing silly. We’re good.

So I’m not stressed about the task; I think I’m stressed about getting it going. I can’t really get rolling yet and argh. Also, I have a few other tasks I’d like to get moving on, but it’s the weekend and I need some rest. Not that I’m exactly getting that, what with all this thinking about it.

Oh, and sometime this week I’m going on a day trip to one of the neighbor islands. Because of the big project. Normally that would be awesome — I’d ask to stay overnight, too, since the others on this project are staying overnight. But I’m in frugal mode, remember (he asked, cramming another handful of McDonald’s fries into his maw)? I can’t really have the kind of fun work trip this could be. So it’s in and out, stay on task, and nobody gets hurt.

I wish I could text Crush Girl and just converse with her about all this, but I’m fairly sure she wouldn’t get back to me, possibly until Monday. We’re friendly but I don’t think we’re in the let’s-share-personal-problems-whenever stage of this friendship yet.

I was chatting with the CEO of my company about sleep, and he asked if I’ve ever tried melatonin. I hadn’t, and he recommended it. So a couple of weeks ago, while I was picking something up at Safeway, I thought I’d see what was available.

There were “regular strength” gummies. The bottle said to chew one or two 5mg gummies. Then there were “maximum strength” gummies. The bottle recommended one or two 10mg gummies. Hey, I’d had zero experience with melatonin, but if anyone’s sleep issues called for two 10mg “maximum strength” gummies, it was me, right?

I can’t say whether it worked or not because I was super tired that night anyway. I do know that I was very, very groggy the next morning, all the way to lunch. Yeah, that was bad.

Everyone I spoke to who’s taken it (and it’s a surprising number of people who’ve taken it) says he or she doesn’t take it every night, so I guess that’s my plan now. I’ll go through the whole bottle over time and see what happens.

I’ve eaten just one gummy a few times since, and I can’t tell if it’s working. I definitely don’t wake up groggy, and I don’t have an especially difficult time waking up (getting moving is a different story, but that’s related to my recent low work morale), but I can’t tell if it’s helping me get to sleep or if I’m just going to sleep.

What I would love is if, when I wake up in the middle of the night, I can just close my eyes and drop back to sleep. That hasn’t been happening. It’s my own fault because I always look at my phone. I check Twitter to see if the White House has blown up the world yet, and then I usually check Instagram to see who’s viewed whatever silliness I put in my IG stories before bed. And then all that blue light goes to work on me and makes my brain think I’m up.

I wonder if this is the time to take a melatonin gummy. When I get up in the middle of the night? Might have to try it.

Oh Suzanne just texted me back. She was sympathetic but not very verbose about it. Then when I told her I’m stress-eating, she said she hopes I’m eating nacho cheese Doritos. I said, “Big Mac and fries — close!”

I feel a bit calmer, if still quite wound up. This might be a good night for a melatonin gummy.

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XXXXX

Saturday morning I slept ’til noon.  Then, since I didn’t really have a plan for the day, I took my time getting up and out of bed.  Close to two hours, just looking at my phone and considering options.  Finally made myself brunch.  Two hot dogs with sauerkraut and some potato salad, which doesn’t sound like much but was exactly what I wanted.  I’ve been buying these no-fillers, no nitrites dogs, of which there are a lot of options lately, most of them labeled “natural” hot dogs, which of course is ridiculous.  Dang it if they aren’t yummy, though.

Got into my car and headed toward town, still with no plan.  If nothing called to me by the time I got to the university, I figured I’d just drop off a few plastic storage boxes for my personal stuff.  We’re moving offices in two weeks, supposedly, and the company is moving up to three boxes of work-related stuff but not personal stuff, which we’re all supposed to take home since we won’t have any room in the new space for personal stuff.

As a little office experiment, I’ve been putting jigsaw puzzles on this unoccupied desk, so people who need a little break could come relax their brains a bit and work on something collaborative and fun.  I was about to head back out when I realized there was nothing I’d rather spend the next hour or so doing than immersing myself in the puzzle, so that’s what I did.  Probably not the best idea, spending time in the office like that when I wasn’t doing any work, but it was just an hour.  Or two.

I actually did do some tidying up, which I consider work-related, and then I knew what I wanted to do.  I drove to the zoo, paid for parking, and walked around Waikiki for a bit.  I remembered that there was this ramen spot I’ve been wanting to try for a few years, in King’s Village behind the KFC.  They’re closing King’s Village at the end of January, alas, so I figured this was my last chance.

Double alas: many of the businesses there have already cleared out, including the ramen joint.  It’s too bad.  In a neighborhood where things look typically the same, King’s Village really stands out as something interesting and fun-looking.  I’ll miss its Hogsmeade-like walkways and alleys.

Now my heart was set on ramen (despite having driven into the area at first interested in Italian; I’m easily distracted), so I went over to Kalakaua Ave, the main drag along the actual beach at Waikiki, and took at look at Momosan, Masaharu Morimoto’s ramen spot.  It was surprisingly casual and reasonably priced.  I’d found my dinner spot.

I ordered the gyukotsu, a ramen served with a braised short rib.  They only make 20 per day and what the heck?  It was the priciest item (I think) on the menu but it was a day for indulgence.  There were other ramens I was actually more interested in, so I’ll be back.  I also ordered a side of gyoza, because you have to when you’re trying a new ramen spot, and a glass of the Morimoto Soba Ale.  When I asked the waitress to tell me about it, she said “It’s a beer.”  And when I asked why it was a soba ale, she didn’t know.  I ordered it anyway and it was very good.

Oh wait a minute.  The expensive item may have been a shot of the Yamazaki, and I was tempted but decided I’d rather have the beer.

It was a nice dinner on the lanai so I could people-watch (there’s no better place on this island than Waikiki for people-watching).  I wandered about Waikiki a bit more after the meal, hoping to burn off enough to make room for dessert, but I just didn’t have the room.

I made it back to my car and drove aimlessly about for a little while, then went home, staying up late to watch The Breakfast Club, a new Criterion Collection edition I just picked up as a present to myself.  I also got The Princess Bride from Criterion, and they are both wonderfully done.

Went to bed after returning a few text messages from well-wishers, and this is how I turned 50.

Holy freaking cow.  50.

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Labor

I’m three fourths of the way through the Labor Day weekend and just taking a few moments to write whatever pops into my head.

My mother’s birthday was Saturday, so half of my day was dedicated to hanging out with the family.  We had lunch together at Outback in Waipio, a family favorite mostly because it’s a couple of blocks from my sister’s house and therefore easier for half the family (counting niece, nephew, and sister’s boyfriend) to get to, but also because the food is quite good.  I had a lovely ribeye and we all had some pretty good conversation.

My mom was mostly pleased just to spend the time with her family.

Friday I worked a little late but also spent some time preparing for the annual fantasy football draft.  My high-school classmates and I have been playing for more than twenty years, and I have a feeling only a couple of us play seriously anymore, which is probably why I won the title two years in a row and then took second last year.  Everyone’s gotten married and had kids.  The guy who beat me for the title last year, Marshall, was a first-year empty-nester, which might explain that.

Sunday is my usual day to hang out with my folks.  I’m usually there from around 2:30 until 8:00, which means I get home kind of late, with just enough time to get things ready for the new work week and get to bed.  Because the fantasy draft is Monday afternoon and because I have deadlines for the side gigs Monday as well, I went over early this Sunday and got home early-ish.

Then crashed for nearly four hours.  Yikes.  I naively thought I might get the work done and have time for a late movie, but I woke up from my nap at 11 in the evening.

Which means I have to wake up early so I can get the work done and still get to the draft, which will be at Don’s condo in Kakaako.

It’s all a lot of socializing for me for a long weekend, which might explain the long nap.  I was feeling drained and the nap was a pretty good way to recharge.

I’ve said “explain” a lot in these past fifteen minutes.

I swear this is the last thing I’ll say about fantasy football for the next twenty-four hours at least.  I got permission at work to run an out-in-the-open, just-for-fun fantasy football league in the office.  Seven sign-ups so far, with at least one more for-sure going to play.  This would be best with at least ten participants, but eight will work, so I’m pretty excited.  I’m all about team-building at work, and this kind of thing can go a long way toward that!  I directly asked some of our C-level leadership to play, and I have at least one already signed up.

I have borrowing privileges at the library on the university campus where I work, and the a/v library had DVDs of all three versions of A Star is Born, none of which I’ve seen.  So I borrowed them all in anticipation of this new remake with Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga.  I’m determined to make time for at least the 1937 Janet Gaynor / Fredric March version.

I’m up to chapter 13 in China Rich Girlfriend, which so far has managed to be funnier and more fun than Crazy Rich Asians.  I think it’s the familiarity with characters that does it (ha!  no “explain” there), especially the characters I like.  The setup also feels a bit fresher than in the first novel.

In fact I will wrap this up now so I can spend a little time with the book before bed.  It’s nearly two in the morning and I have to get up early!

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Breathe

Still alive.  Just been swamped with a bunch of stuff, some professional and some personal.  I’m thinking I should commit to making myself put something here every day or two, whether or not I have time to write something of the length and substance that satisfies me.

Just to remind myself that I do this.

There’s a bus coming in 15 minutes and I want to be on it, so here we go.