Under Cover of the Night

I’m about to go public with two of my secret Web projects. The first one, which I’ve already mentioned here, is a podcast called The Literate Loser. That’s me, if you couldn’t figure that out. Strangely, as soon as I seriously entertained the thought of doing a podcast, I also knew what I wanted to put out there and tLL is pretty much it. I don’t think it’s going to be very entertaining, but certain types of people will find it interesting and that’s my audience. I hope. I haven’t had any real technical problems; the only problems I’ve had have been with the talent. I can be a royal pain to work with sometimes!

The second major project, which I’m going to announce in a very low-key manner (I think) should be ready to go by the end of this week. I’m really strapped for fun-having cash, so Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday are devoted to cleaning up the living room, getting the podcast out there, putting the finishing touches on secret project 2, and tweaking George’s online journal (it’s a project for his students and no, I’m not giving out links). George’s project is actually pretty much good to go, but I’m having a TON of problems getting the sidebar RSS feeds to look right. Grr.

As for the Village Idiots’ podcast, as soon as I know I can do a podcast, I’m going to assemble a couple of extra pieces of hardware and we’re going to do it. Penny and Reid have already said let’s give it a shot; Grace checks her email about once a month so I doubt I’ll hear from her for a while. If all goes as planned, this one will be very entertaining. I have such fun friends. Sometimes.

Played Puerto Rico with Alan, George, and Ross tonight. Alan beat me by one point in his first game ever; Ross beat me by two points in the second game. It was a blast. At one point someone said, “You know who would really like this game? Cameron Taketa.” Someone else said, “Yeah. He really would.” I might have to have him over one night to introduce him to the beauty that is Puerto Rico. What a great game.

R is on a trip with Mr. HBA. I don’t know if I’m lonelier when she’s here or when she’s away. It’s tough. In some ways, I’m more miserable now than when R was engaged to G and living in California. At least G is someone I love and know; I didn’t think G was right for her, but he was certainly not bad for her. I think Mr. HBA is potentially bad for her, but what am I supposed to say beyond that? I can’t come up with any solid reasons, and she says he makes her happy.

He makes her happy. I have heard her say that she didn’t think anyone was ever going to make her happy. Is that — should that be — enough for me, if all I want is what’s best for her? I can’t answer that. If OxyContin was making her happy, I wouldn’t think for a moment that it must be good for her.

Losing her as a possible lover is bad enough, but it’s something I have been prepared to deal with for years. I did have my chance, after all, and I blew that. What is so very difficult for me is that I seem to have lost her as a friend. Oh, we’re still cool. When we do speak on the phone or when she gives me rides to church on Sundays, it’s all normal and good, like it always was, but where she was my best friend just a few months ago, someone who would call me pretty much every day to see what was up, now she seldom even returns my calls, and she certainly never initiates one.

I don’t understand how I have lifted so easily out of her life. It’s as if she doesn’t care about me, not even as a friend; it’s as if she doesn’t think of me, not even in passing. This is not just some ex-girlfriend I’m talking about; it’s someone who’s been my friend for over twenty years, someone I have worked side-by-side with in jobs we both cared a great deal about, someone who acknowledges that she works really, really well with me when we’ve got a job that needs to get done. Now I’m not even an afterthought.

So what do I do about it? I just don’t know. I have told her that I disapprove of this relationship, so I guess all I do is be prepared to be there if something happens. I suppose I just find other friends.

Perhaps I’ll continue to do everything I do, but where there was once in my life a best friend and is now just this hole, I’ll cram in graduate school, the school yearbook, inconsequential web projects, and a second job to pay for it all.

I have good days and bad days in this, the Mr. HBA phase. Today is not a good day.

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