Lockdown: There is no pain; you are receding

I have to think of a better word for that weird emotional space where I take to bed seeking non-feeling. Or something — I’m still trying to figure out what it is. I’ve been calling it the numbness, but that’s not quite it. Maybe I should just keep calling it what I always have. Just the darkness, even though it’s different from that other emotional yuckiness, the one that feels terrible.

Anyway. I went there for pretty much all of Tuesday evening. Around 10:00 I said aloud, I should really make myself go for a walk. At 12:30 I was still in bed, still just lying there staring at my phone.

I forced myself up, and finally out the door at almost 1:30. After about half an hour I was feeling normal again. I went 14,000 steps in mostly a very quiet night.

I did make it to the beach after the laundry Tuesday morning. It was nice, but there were quite a few more swimmers out there than usual.

I considered stopping for breakfast somewhere, but it was only a couple of hours after the Big Mac dinner, and I really wasn’t hungry. Got home, cleaned up a little, and unwound before going to bed.

Breakfast was a couple of hot dogs with mustard, ketchup, and sauerkraut. I didn’t exactly have lunch, but I snacked on a little bit of potato salad before retreating again to bed, as I’ve said. I picked up dinner near the end of my walk: a loco moco.

Crush Girl texted me to see how it was going. We both shared that we weren’t having the best day, and talked about how nearly half the U.S states are seeing their highest rates of new cases. This is not good. But it was nice to be reached out to. Encouraging.

Sylvia texted to say she’s joined a book club, and the first selection is Where the Crawdads Sing. Pretty great. And a popular book club choice.

AJ thanked me for the feedback on her book review, which was of a travel-cookbook.

Didn’t get to my gyoza Tuesday. I’ll do it Wednesday.

Wednesday could be tough at work, but I’m determined to get something turned in, so I’m looking forward to it. Thursday’s a holiday in Hawaii, and I’d like to go into it feeling good about my work this week.

I’m hanging in. Hope you are too. And I hope you’ll reach out if you’re not connecting enough.

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