Lockdown: Anxiety has got me on the run; anxiety spoils all the fun

I think the stay-in-bed-as-long-as-possible plan worked. I did take a mid-day nap, as I usually do these days, but I wasn’t dying for one, and I was pretty dang functional before and after. I was still tired. I suspect tiredness is part of my existence in this lockdown for now. I did not feel the constant state of sleep deprivation that’s been with me for half a week.

I got some good work done on a proposal revision and spent a little bit of time thinking about another story I’m working on. Not super productive. Not idle or wasteful, though.

In the evening, I had to go either to Costco or Target to pick something up. Something’s been causing me stress, and a certain purchase would be a temporary fix, but it could be a fairly long-term temporary fix, something to make me feel better about my daily life. I’d stressed about it long enough; I wanted to push it off until Thursday night but didn’t. Forced myself out to Target.

Costco’s in my hood. Three people at this Costco tested positive for the virus. Freaked me out a little. Also, I could not verify online that Costco had what I needed. It usually does. That doesn’t mean it did this evening.

Target confirmed online it had what I need. It was a bit more populated than Costco is when I go, half an hour before closing. So that was stressful. In fact, on the drive there, I did some deep breathing exercises and said a couple of prayers for peace and safety. It wasn’t just being out among all those people — I was feeling really uneasy about something, possibly anxious. I (thank goodness) don’t suffer from anxiety the way a lot of people who suffer from depression do. That’s a killer comorbidity I’m lucky not to deal with. Still, I was physically feeling dis-ease and tension.

I got the thing home and set it up and it was more difficult in some ways than I expect, and it was easier in some ways than I expected. Easier in the more concerning ways, so yay.

One reason I was stressed was my plan to do laundry Wednesday night (early Thursday morning). If stuff took too long to take care of, I’d get to bed after 10 and have to be up at 2, putting me right back where I was with sleep. The very thought stressed me out until I wrote off the laundry. I’ll do it Thursday night (early Friday morning) or I just won’t worry about it and do it next week.

Taking care of business, being elastic with my schedule, fending off my proclivity for procrastination, and deep breathing with prayer all seemed to settle me down. I’m writing this at 11:30 with the intention of getting to bed by 12:30 so I can get a good sleep and attack Thursday with ferocity.

Texting was also helpful, and for a change, it wasn’t Crush Girl who anchored me. I traded some texts with Julie about the new Taylor Swift album. Is the persona in “Betty” a guy or a girl? We debated. Crush Girl and I traded a few texts about Hawaii’s record number of new COVID-19 cases (109!). Then Ali messaged me to talk about books. It was a good conversation. She told me some stuff she evaded when I asked a few years ago. I feel like my mysterious friend is becoming less secretive. It’s nice.

Okay meals. After I took care of a few emails this morning, I drove to the Subway in my hood (open at 10, officially, but it was open when I got there a little earlier) and picked up two sandwiches. Footlong meatball for breakfast (I was feeling indulgent). Footlong turkey for lunch. I’m having dinner now, another can of pork and beans right from the tin. I didn’t snack at all today, ‘though I can’t rule it out for later if I should wake up in the middle of the night with the munchies. I feel like tonight would be a likely night for it.

I didn’t take a walk this evening and feel mildly disappointed about it, yet I’m including it with the other things I did today in order to not be stressed out and boost the likelihood of getting decent sleep, so I’m calling it a sacrifice for my greater good.

Listened to a few podcasts and spun the new Haken album, Virus, three times. I’ve always been aware of Haken and appreciated them, but I never really gave them an attentive listen. They’re on InsideOut America, probably the most reliable record label in the country for my tastes, which means I should have known I’d respond well. It’s a good, interesting album. Reminds me a little of Jason-Newsted-era Voivod with a teeny bit of Katatonia thrown in. I need to find out who Haken’s drummer is, because he thrashes on this album.

Okay. To bed. Here’s my daily reminder that you needn’t go through this pandemic madness alone. If you need someone to connect with, connect with me. Hit me up in the comments and I’ll send you my contact info. Twitter/ IG / FB / phone. As one of my favorite podcast hosts says, “Don’t not do it. Do do do it.”

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