Not really in the mood but if I don’t do this now I’ll be too far behind later.
I’m struggling. Not seriously, and not a lot, but a little bit here and there and there. I recognize my lack of energy and motivation, and I know myself well enough not to let things go, or little annoyances turn into big problems like the Monster and the Beast.
I was supposed to go to the supermarket sometime this past weekend but just didn’t feel up to it. I put it off to Monday night, but Monday night I wasn’t down for it either. Tried to think of ways not to go: I could go Tuesday morning, I could just skip the supermarket entirely and go next weekend, I could stop at the Safeway at Manoa Marketplace when I was done with my laundry, except I was also trying to think of good reasons not to do the laundry this week. Like I tried to think of them last week.
What I saw was the downward spiral, and I know what’s at the bottom, so Monday night I put my list together and went to the supermarket half an hour before closing and got it done. For two weeks’ worth of groceries, this live-alone bachelor paid $146, and when I looked at the receipt, I said a little prayer of thanks. I remember very recently trying to keep my weekly grocery trips to $25. It was still a pain dragging my stuff into the house and playing 3D Tetris with the contents of my little fridge, but while my mood wasn’t any better, my mindset was.
I’m blessed whether I’m putting fresh ahi in my fridge or packages of instant ramen on my shelf. But I am far, far less stressed about these things, and I’m healthy, and my parents are doing okay, so the least I can do is whatever I have to do.
I woke up Monday morning, not as early as normal for a beach day, but I know that parking opens up a little after seven, as the early-goers (usually me) leave for work. After telling myself a bunch of different ways I wasn’t going to go, I went. Got there at about 8:00, got my second-favorite parking stall, and jumped into the ocean.
And jumped right back out. The water was super gross. Leaves. Seed pods. Twigs. Feathers. Roots. Yeah, it was a lot of runoff. I knew it had rained, but I had no idea it had rained like this. I actually swam through that yuckiness out to the buoy, where some mornings like this the water is a lot nicer, but it was just as gross out there.
So I took a really good beach shower, picked up breakfast at the Taco Bell drive-through, and got back to my desk in plenty of time for work.
Work Monday continued to be a slow plod, putting me further behind than I already was. Not good, but I ended in a good place and shut it down feeling hopeful for Tuesday.
For lunch, I unwrapped a small wedge of Point Reyes Bay Blue cheese and had it with some crackers. Delicious — it’s my new favorite blue. For dinner, I made some angel hair and threw half the wedge in with some jarred sauce, garlic flakes, red pepper flakes, and vodka. No brown sugar this time; I didn’t want to mute the savoriness of the cheese. It was gooooooooood.
I gave myself a little bit of credit for making myself get groceries and didn’t do any decluttering, which makes it the first week since I started that I pretty much didn’t throw anything out. Disappointing, but I’m going to forgive myself.
I traded brief texts with Penny to ask if she voted (I sent her a funny David Sedaris quote I came across about undecided voters). The writing partner and I caught up a little. Had a little CBD conversation with Julie, Suzanne, and Cindy. I don’t think Julie’s going through the sleeplessness Cindy, Suzanne, and I are, but it was nice to commune with people similarly struggling. That was about it.
Okay now I’m a little behind on getting ready for bed, so I’m out. Leave a comment if you need some connectivity in these mad, mad pandemic days. “For now, these hot days, is the mad blood stirring.” Romeo and Juliet. Don’t go through this stuff alone.