Lockdown: Close (to the edit)

Now it’s Saturday night and I’m writing about Thursday. If you read the Wednesday recap, you can probably skip this one because the two days were pretty close to identical.

Work Thursday was a lot like Wednesday, except focused more on a late proposal that had been in the works for a week or more before coming my way for formatting. I was told specifically it had been across several people’s desks and therefore didn’t need editing, but it needed editing.

I did the post-work crash, then got up and worked on the proposal. It had a weird little twist I wasn’t used to, and since I wasn’t in on the conversations while the proposal was developing, I had to guess about what I was being asked to produce. I found out Friday I guessed wrong. But I think the work I did was still pretty good. And it took a bit more time than anyone expected because I was guessing.

Yeah, I know. Not much to write home about going on here. Wake, work, crash, wake, work, crash. Meals crammed somewhere between.

Breakfast was a bowl of lomi salmon. Conclusion: 24 ounces of wild Atlantic salmon is too much for one person if lomi salmon is the idea. It was still good, though.

I really wanted to get a sandwich for lunch, but Thursday is meeting day, and the sandwich shop closes in the early afternoon. So I took a very late lunch, ordering fried chicken and a brisket bowl from this spot in Kalihi called Chicken & Brisket. The brisket bowl was the real meal; I bought the chicken to snack on over the next few days. It was good but I’m coming around to not really caring for brisket or short ribs.

The fried chicken was excellent. Super crispy and flavorful. It was pretty dry on the inside but it tasted really good.

I submitted the proposal at about 11:30 and thought it was time for dinner even though I wasn’t really hungry. Sooooooo I drove to the McD’s, ordered the spicy crispy chicken sandwich and some fries, and ate it on the hood of my car just because I wanted some fresh air and to get away from the house. It was psychic refreshment but certainly not good for my body.

You know how out of it I was Thursday? When I opened the Spelling Bee late Thursday night to get started on the Friday Spelling Bee, I clicked the “yesterday” button to see what words I missed on the Thursday puzzle and realized I never did the Thursday puzzle! That’s the first one I missed since like October! I was kind of furious with myself.

So if you’re keeping score at home, you’re probably coming up with some thoughts I’m keenly aware of myself. My mental health hasn’t been good these past couple of weeks, in some ways familiar (trouble with sleep) and some not (a little bit of anxiety). I’m restless to the point of pacing some days, stir-crazy enough to drive to McD’s and eat food I don’t really want. I’m experiencing some weirdness in my stomach that might be physical and might be mental. I haven’t been to the beach in nearly three weeks and I’m not doing any walking with my bad knee.

You know that Sunday night feeling, the one that’s kind of an urgency mixed with regret about the dying of the weekend and not enough stuff to show for it? I think I’m feeling that about the lockdown. I’m getting my first shot Monday, and soon after that I’ll probably return to the office, one day per week to start but maybe as many as three days before much longer.

March 19 marks one year since I was sent home to ride this thing out, and although I made some pretty good use of my time, I have a couple of unfinished projects I know I will never finish if I don’t work them into my life the way they were for the first half year of this thing. Actually eight months. NaNoWriMo threw me off my game.

When I get back to the office, I will not have completed my house decluttering, and this annoys me. It actually stresses me out, tying my guts into knots at times, and this is sending me into escapist behavior. I’m spending ridiculous amounts of time just zoning out in my bed or staring dumbly at my phone.

A couple of things are keeping me from actually teetering on the brink. I’m feeling good about my parents getting those shots in their arms, and my coworkers and friends and other people I love are getting them. I’ve spent so much less money this year that I’ve paid down a lot of debt. I’m still in the hole for a few things, but the hole is a reasonable depth, and with a few things I have coming my way soon, I’ll be in really good shape by the end of next month.

I’ve also boosted my contribution to my retirement. Not as much as I should, but nearly as much as I should. And it looks like I have a little bit of wiggle room for some monthly charitable giving, which I’ve been terrible with since leaving the engineering firm. I’d like to give it to the church, but right now my heart is tugging me toward the Hawaii Innocence Project. Anyway this is still early in the thinking stages, but it feels good to be thinking about it.

Thinking about where my living space was a year ago and where it is now is extremely heartening. I forget that as shameful as it is now, it was beyond caricature in the years leading up to the lockdown.

Chances are, on a worldly level, I’m going to come out of this better than I was, except for physically. I’ve put on weight like crazy, especially since November. Minus that, though, and I should feel good about not merely surviving but in some ways correcting.

My relationships have all suffered, but I imagine this is true for most of us who kept to ourselves for a whole year. Except for the thing with Ali, I think I’m still on pretty good terms with everyone. When the world is a safer place, I’m going to be a social fricking butterfly, I tell you. At least for a week!

Writing all this out actually helped. Everything on the table looks a lot more positive than negative, and I don’t think I’m rose-coloring much. I am not in the clear. Taking inventory, however, is a good step.

Speaking of Ali, she responded to my “hey” nearly two weeks after I sent it. She asked what was up. I said I was going to ask if we’re cool, but that I think I pretty much got my answer. She didn’t respond. Yeah.

Crush Girl and I texted a bunch throughout the day too. I think she’s stressed about work and I’m hoping I’m a little bit of a pleasant distraction.

Reid texted to see if I could talk on the phone. I said okay. We talked about one of his son’s assignments. Parents worry too much about their children’s homework. It’s another of many reasons I’m so anti-homework.

I’m probably not your best option for finding some human connection in these almost-a-year pandemic days, but I’m here. Smash the comment button if you need a little of this in your day.

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