Eddification

Crush Girl seems to be over the annoying thing I did, much to my gentle relief. I’m sure her ire was exacerbated by my uncontrollable giggling while apologizing and insisting I was contrite. I was contrite, but I was also super amused because the thing she was annoyed about was something I messaged her. And I knew I was pushing a button when I hit send. I looked at it first, and said, “That’s a real button. What if I just push it lightly?”

Fireworks, of the stony face and silent treatment variety. So yeah. I was laughing at her for being so transparently sensitive about it, but I was mostly laughing at myself for this lifelong need to test every sign that says DO NOT PUSH THIS BUTTON.

She’s been a little more communicative these past couple of days, which is super nice, but I also think I need to get myself over her. Maybe start calling her Excrush Girl in order to facilitate it. I’m kidding myself if I think I’ll ever somehow wriggle my way out of the friendzone and into the little bit of her heart I think I could fill.

I should say I haven’t been trying to nudge her out of the friendzone. I accepted my assignment the day I got it, and I am long past the stupid youthful idea that you can win someone over, even if most of my love history is evidence to the contrary. Put yourself out there, and if you get a no, take the no and move on. It’s the only mature, respectful thing to do.

I like being in the friendzone, at least as a second option. I think we could be really close friends if certain circumstances weren’t such obstacles. Stupid pandemic isn’t helping.

Something caught me off guard the other night and I didn’t roll with it the way I usually do. Got knocked for something of a loop, teetered momentarily before plunging into an eddy determined to suck me into the deep.

I allowed it for a couple of hours, glorying in self-pity and hollowness, but I yanked myself out, mostly for survival’s sake. Also because it was such a stupid thing to get depressed about. There are things I can’t control, and if they aren’t unjust, harmful to anyone I care about, or a serious threat to my well-being, I shouldn’t allow them to control me like this.

So I wrapped gifts, and when I was done with that, I opened the gifts my coworkers left for me, keeping notes in my iPad so I’d remember what to write thank-you cards for. That wonderful Christmas album, Carcass’s Torn Arteries, kept me company throughout, and I was feeling pretty goodwill-toward-humans by the time I was done.

My Christmas Eve was nice. I slept in, sorta, then ran a couple of errands. Took everything at a snail’s pace, not hurrying through anything because I didn’t have a schedule to worry about. Took a short nap, did a few chores, listened to some podcasts. I read a little bit of Klara and the Sun, which is taking a bit of a dark turn about a third of the way through.

Breakfast was overnight oats. Lunch was a Panda Express plate (mushroom chicken, string bean chicken, super greens). Dinner was a couple of chicken thighs steamed in the Instant Pot, with choy sum, bean sprouts, and more string beans. I drizzled some Maui Chili Chili Oil on the chicken and it was amazing.

Texted Excrush Girl a little about a book she’s reading. Also two coworkers about Tsum Tsum — they’ve recently jumped back in, a year after my return to the game, and wanted to know how my scores have gotten so good.

I’ll do the Friday 5 tomorrow. Too tired!

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