chalkdust

I slept okay Friday night but made myself get up earlier than I wanted. I don’t know why. I knew I wasn’t going for Hawaiian food, or more accurately I decided if I was going for Hawaiian food I didn’t have to be there right when it opened.

I had a lot of stuff on the to-do list and I think that’s what it was. Got off to a good start, too. Wrote the lockdown journal, left comments on some Friday 5 participants’ blogs, did the Saturday NYT crossword, read the news.

Made a fresh pot of quinoa and had it with canned sardines. It was good. I gave The Apple a second viewing and decided some of its badness is intentional but definitely not all of it, and part of the fun for me is deciding which stuff is intentionally bad and which is just bad-judgment bad.

I did a couple of very quick chores, then drove to Waiakamilo Drive-In for dinner. I bought two burgers and some chili cheese fries, thinking I’d save the second burger for some time later. So far I’d only had the sardines and quinoa, plus clementines and dried apricots.

It was a pretty good dinner (or late lunch) but then I had to lie down for a nap, and once I went to bed I really didn’t want to get up. I phone-vegged for hours and didn’t even enjoy most of it. Dang it. I still had writing projects to work on.

So this is how most of the evening passed. I forced myself up at just past midnight, journaled about Friday, ate the second burger, did the minimum cleanup, went back to bed with some podcasts, and basically didn’t fall asleep until after three. Ugh.

I texted Penny to give her some advice on purchasing MS Office, which led to some talk about using iTunes to back up our phones. Let Gwen know I might not be able to meet her Monday. Jennfer sent me some cool links, which I actually opened right away (except the last one), plus some photos of her apartment decor. Crush Girl texted me from doing a long errand, which led to a brief conversation. Then she texted me later to ask me a question about something I mentioned Friday. That was nice — she hasn’t recently expressed any curiosity about (or interest in) my life, and conversations have felt a little one-sided lately.

Don’t get mad. I don’t know why you would, since you don’t know the details, but I’m imagining if you did you would get mad. I texted Ali a little tentative attempt at seeing if we’re cool. I just texted, “Hey.” I do not expect to hear back, and it’s okay. I just think I’ll be more at peace with things ending if I made the last gesture of conciliation.

Because the new year tends to be a very slow time for good new music releases, I’ve spent the last few weeks replaying all the 2020 stuff so I can finalize my best-of lists. It’s been pretty fun, and it’s led to some side trips too. I adjusted some of my ratings — the Katatonia album isn’t as good as I originally rated it, which makes me sad because it was my most-anticipated album of the year; meanwhile the Kvelertak album is even better than I remembered it — and hope to have my final list by the end of February. Well, not final. But sort of final before sharing.

Got more stuff to write before the weekend’s up. Some of it will show up here.

Leave a comment if you need someone to connect with. Don’t pandemic untethered!

Sleep was not good Thursday night and I struggled Friday morning. Taco Bell breakfast helped, not to mention the Diet Pepsi with extra ice I should really stop purchasing in the drive-through since I have it in the fridge at home. It’s sooooo good from the fountain at Taco Bell for some reason.

I had a phone call with a development officer who has a couple of things for me to look at early next week. I’m on vacation for a piece of the early week but I told her to text me when she send me stuff. I’m not going anywhere; I just prefer not to be in front of my computer all day, so I’ll give her stuff my attention with no problem.

I worked on another news story for the website, this one going live right away. With news releases, you sometimes have to wait until a certain date before you go public with info. I’m glad it’s not my job to keep track of this stuff. Someone just tells me to get this ready on the web but not to publish until next Friday or whenever.

During my break I had to make a few phone calls. A couple of Thursdays ago, a member of the KS grounds crew backed his van into my car, damaging my bumper and breaking my tail light. I called my insurance company right away, who called KS’s insurance. They got back to me the next day but honestly, I wasn’t ready to deal with the situation of having to take my car to a body shop and getting an estimate, then later driving it to drop it off and walk back home because I don’t feel safe on public transportation.

So I’ve been dodging the representative’s calls and finally called back Friday. I apologized for my lack of response and asked her not to be insulted. She handled it fine and gave me some instructions and options. I’ll deal with it next week. This is one of the things I’ve been neglecting in my avoidance behavior lately and I’m glad I finally at least got the thing rolling.

I also had to call the supplier of my Darth Vader accessories. When I made my order by phone a few weeks ago, I didn’t have my flex card handy, so I asked them to use whatever card they had on file. They had an old card on file, the one I lost. My payment didn’t go through. Anyway I called back, had them delete old cards, and save my new card, and it was all taken care of quickly and mostly painlessly. Still hate making phone calls, but in this case I hated to put them in the position of having to call me back when I’m the one who screwed up.

Oh yeah I called my mom and dad too, for a little while. They’re doing well after their second shots.

After work I did a few quick chores and ordered takeout from Zippy’s. They have this new boneless fried chicken with gravy that looks good on everyone else’s IGs, so I had to check it out. While I waited, I went to Tea Time Taiwan for what I think is only my fourth or fifth boba since the lockdown began. That used to be a week’s worth of boba for me, once upon a time. Anyway that spot has this roasted oolong tea that’s really good.

I watched The Apple to its conclusion while I ate. Did some writing, listened to music, spun a few podcasts, and basically just goofed off until I finally collapsed into bed around four in the morning.

Sharon and I texted about work stuff during my work day, then it led to other conversations about other stuff through the day. She thought the photo I shared on IG of the cioppino looked really good (I’m getting a lot of offline feedback on that photo) so we talked about some places we’ve gotten takeout recently.

Crush Girl and I traded a few texts about the coming weekend.

Okay, this is what I learned about tofu when I picked up tofu from the tofu factory last week Saturday. One question I’ve had for some time: the weight difference between the firm tofu and soft tofu is one ounce. But the firm tofu comes in much larger packaging and the tofu itself seems much bigger what’s up with that?

The guy pointed out that firm tofu is processed a little more, then cut into individual portions, then packaged in the plastic carton we’re all super familiar with, with water. Soft tofu is basically soy milk when it’s poured into the plastic carton. It sets in the carton, and it’s not packaged with water, and it’s not cut from large blocks the way firm tofu is. Dang! Of course I knew this but I never paid attention to it. Soft tofu has to be handled delicately, and yeah: you basically have to invert the carton over a bowl in order to get the tofu out. So it doesn’t need as much packaging as the firm tofu.

My other question: how long after the shelf date is it really good for? I said I had two cartons in my fridge that were a week past the date. The guy said if it’s the firm tofu, you pretty much have until the date on the package. It was funny: he asked me if the tofu was “theirs.” I said of course! He said yeah, theirs does not last longer than the date. He said soft tofu, you can probably go up to a week longer, but you’d be pushing it.

Good stuff to know! And I think Aloha Tofu has a customer for life in me. It’s usually pricier than the mainland brands in the same refrigerated display case, but shoot. It’s made right in Kalihi and look at how nice they are, answering my stupid questions in the middle of their busy Saturday. Plus it’s less expensive than those mainland brands if you pick it up at the factory.

The only notable new metal release this weekend is Mӕre by Harakiri for the Sky, a post-black-metal band I got into a few years ago. It’s pretty! This is one aspect of black metal I think people don’t write enough about. Yes, it’s dark and desolate and despairing, but there’s this anguished beauty about it, like the wintry landscapes of the lands from which most of these bands come. Harakiri for the Sky comes from Austria, but I’m talking more about those Scandinavian countries where black metal really thrives.

You look at photos of these places and the scenery is scary in how empty and cold it looks, but who doesn’t think it’s also beautiful? This is what a lot of black metal is like. Goth metal gets more credit for it because it usually has very pretty female lead vocals, while black metal has these anguished, raspy shrieks and screams, but they come from a lot of the same places. I’m reminded of a lot of portions of Lamentations and Job.

Anyway I think it’s interesting I was drawn in by these post-black-metal bands years before black metal itself started to appeal.

EDIT: I just looked at three reviews and there seems to be agreement on a few things. First, the album is too long! All three mention the length and expound on the issues with long albums. Second, it’s pretty! They also mention two bands I’ve never gotten into: Alcest and Deafheaven. Ugh. I might have to give Deafheaven another chance based just on the comparisons. Their Sunbather album was huge — super popular with people who don’t otherwise care for metal, which might be why I didn’t care for it.

I know it’s a long shot, but if you’re curious just listen to this. It gets really pretty around the 3:25 mark, but it’s pretty all the way through, really.

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It’s just past noon Saturday as I get ready to write about Thursday. I just put some quinoa in the rice cooker after wasting a couple of hours thinking about getting takeout. Honestly, a bowl of hot quinoa with a tin of mackerel or sardines (I haven’t decided yet) in olive oil has much more appeal.

I’ve a ton of writing things I want to get done today, but you know how it is. You can never tell how long one of them will take, and these things are always such a mental drain, sometimes I only have the capacity for one. I remain hopeful, however.

Wednesday night I got something like six-plus hours of good sleep. What a nice surprise. Got up Thursday morning ready to work. Worked on some web stories, posted but not published as I’m standing by for photos. Had the department Zoom meeting and a phone call about my next donor profile. Shoot — add that to my list of things to do today. Gotta send that donor the email I composed.

Mid-morning, I drove to the stripmall and picked up a bag of clementines, then got some Korean takeout for breakfast-slash-lunch. I think all those Korean veggies did me some good. The battered, eggy, fried slices of beef probably didn’t, but man what a good meal.

I’ve been doing too much phone-vegging lately. I’m already too married to the thing, and this is heavy duty even for me. I don’t know what explains it except maybe it’s escapist behavior, something I set out to protect myself against when this lockdown journaling began nearly a year ago.

I confess I’m starting to feel antsy, and the unresolved antsiness is turning into blueness. Additionally, I think I’m a little bummed that Ali and I aren’t texting anymore. As stressful as that friendship often was, when it was good I really got something meaningful out of it. I won’t pretend I’m not poorer for not having her in my life this past month and a half. Or however long it’s been.

Lent began without my marking it in any way. I don’t feel like dealing with it this year, but whenever I don’t observe it, I feel like I’m missing out, which is part of the antsiness too, I think.

Worse, the escapist behavior, as it always does, comes with neglected tasks, some of which are important and which I really need to deal with.

So Thursday evening mostly passed in a haze of phone-vegging (do you like it? I wonder if I coined it) until I forced myself up and made a pot of carrot-beet soup in the Instant Pot. The rote engagement of scrubbing veggies then chopping them for the soup helped. Something about the immediacy of a knife in my right hand, a root vegetable in my left, and the percussion of the knife on the cutting board as I assemble stuff for heat-provoked transformation fixes me in the moment much better than whatever I’m doomscrolling through on Twitter.

Driving, swimming, cooking. Total in-the-moment things by necessity. Is this what I need more of in my life? I’m wondering if this is why I’ve been playing around with the idea of meditation, another in-the-moment activity by necessity.

The soup came out decent but not great. It’s missing something. I’m hoping a couple of days in the fridge and some kind of interesting garnish will wake it up, although maybe it just needs more salt and more lime juice. I haven’t prepared the beet greens yet. Maybe that’ll do it. A little blanching, some slicing, and then just stirring into the nearly neon-red soup?

Tried to put myself to bed at a decent hour but was up until three or so.

I texted Gwen to see if we could arrange a socially distanced meeting (although she got her vaccine because she works in healthcare) so she could give me the cool gift she got me. Plus, she’s had my car’s second keyfob since right after I bought Jessica (from her friend) and I should probably get that from her.

Jennifer texted me a video. Ten minutes of Japanese bullet trains rocketing through an empty train station in the snow. It’s strangely calming.

I’m listening to my 80s playlist on Spotify, and it’s Paula Abul’s “The Way That You Love Me,” a song I hated when it was a hit but which I kind of like now.

This only took me forty-five minutes to write, and I don’t feel mentally spent. A good sign. I’m going to make breakfast and get started on the next task. Somewhere on the list is writing about Friday, so there will be two lockdown journal entries today, assuming I don’t get sucked into a social media hole.

La laaaaaaa la la la laaaaaaa lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala leave a comment if you need someone to connect with in these tired tired tired tired tired pandemic days!

Decent sleep Tuesday night did not bode similar rest for Wednesday night, as I couldn’t seem to stay asleep. It was something of a struggle just to stay in bed, so eventually I got up, not well rested but hopeful for a decent nap at lunch.

Predictably, I got off to a slow start at work. I had some new info to put into an online story we already published, and it took me a while to decide how best to slip it in. I think I did okay with it, but maybe spent longer on it than I should have. I took care of some business, setting up a (hopefully short!) phone meeting. Someone emailed asking for help brainstorming titles for a new event (old event, actually, in need of a new name), an exercise I love. Takes some time, though. Had my weekly one-on-one with the supervisor (via phone), then helped a development officer with a new proposal.

The day went long, but I didn’t mind since I worked so inefficiently. I wonder sometimes if I’d be a lot better at my job if it were punctuated throughout the workday with school bells. Even when I was teaching, I had my Macbook set to announce the time every half hour. “It’s eleven thirty,” the voice would say, and it would help me stay on track.

When I had my SmartBoard, with my Macbook plugged into it, some of my classes would keep an eye on the clock and try to say it in unison with (and with the same inflections as) the computer: it’s eleven thirty. Pretty funny stuff. They never quite matched it, but I was always amused.

I have Siri set to her Indian English accent. I recommend it.

After work I resisted a nap and listened to music while I did a little bit of writing. Read some news while I ate a late dinner, tidied up a little, and went to bed shortly after midnight. I was actually ready for bed at eleven but kind of dragged my feet getting there. Fell asleep, as nearly always, with podcasts playing.

Breakfast-slash-lunch was a ridiculously generous serving of angel hair pasta with canned red sauce (with gin, garlic powder, brown sugar, olive oil), followed by yet another ridiculously generous serving of the same. Dinner was kimchi stew.

If you’ve been on needles and pins about my soft tofu, left Saturday in my automobile’s hot trunk for five hours, you can breathe now. The soft tofu (with a much later shelf date) was delicious and still fresh-tasting. You wouldn’t have guessed it had been so horribly neglected.

I had a few texts with Crush Girl about our weekends and what we’re reading. Cathy texted me to talk about writing critique. I had some work texts from Julie (about that proposal I worked on).

That’s it. I’m out. Bye. Leave a comment if you want someone to connect with. You know the drill; and if you don’t, just read the ends of the last few entries!

They should all be three-day weekends.

The good feeling I had Monday carried over into Monday night and most of Tuesday. I dropped off to sleep later than I should have, but still got just over six hours of good sleep. It’s less than ideal but it’s more than I’ve been getting. And I still woke up a couple of times in the middle of the night for no apparent reason.

I wrote that I had clementines and dried apricots for breakfast Monday, but I got that wrong. Those were my morning snack. Breakfast was the rest of my chicken-carrot-kabocha soup. Delicious, and definitely a keeper.

Tuesday morning I drove to Taco Bell for breakfast, for the first time in a while. It was great! Get the breakfast Crunchwrap thing; I think it’s the best thing on the breakfast menu.

Worked on my student profiles, mostly, then did some long-term thinking about how we name and archive our old proposals. Posted a news release on our website but am standing by for photos. Sent a few emails.

After work I took a nap, then did a couple of work tasks I’d procrastinated on. Listened to some music and labored over the Spelling Bee, which was driving me nuts. Couldn’t find the pangram until the very end, which pushed me over the genius line. Belittlement. Geez.

I don’t remember why I stayed up until nearly four in the morning, but it wasn’t because I was doing anything important or meaningful. My brain just wasn’t ready.

I hate my brain sometimes.

I didn’t really have lunch, but I think I had three dinners, or one dinner in three courses, with long breaks in between. I had a head of broccoli I needed to consume pretty much immediately, so I blanced that and just ate it by itself. Broccoli’s one of my favorite foods but I have to remind myself once in a while. If I had someone else to prepare it for me the way I like it, I’d eat it every day. I know this doesn’t make sense, since blanching something in salt water is almost the least preparation you can do on a veggie.

A couple of hours later, I had some firm tofu with kimchi. I love a cold dinner like this sometimes, and it was great. For reasons I’m embarrassed to admit, I had to eat the tofu right away too, because it was on the border. Okay, the reason is when I brought it home from the tofu factory Saturday, I left it in my trunk and took a long nap! The only thing that got me actually out of bed was remembering I had three cartons of tofu in the hot trunk of my car. Ugh. Negated all the reasons for picking it up at the factory.

Firm tofu has a much shorter shelf life, so it went first. Soft tofu, of which I still have two cartons, lasts a bit longer and I’m hoping five hours in my hot trunk had less of an impact. We’ll find out Wednesday evening!

Then a couple of hours later, when I was already overdue for bed, I had a couple of lazy (microwaved) quesadillas. I could probably just have gone to bed and been fine, but I caved in to the munchies. It’s a battle I lose about half the time.

I texted Crush Girl to ask how her weekend was, and didn’t hear back. It was kind of late, like 9:30 in the evening, so I didn’t really expect to.

As I said, I eventually got to sleep shortly after four, and only because it was getting ridiculous and I had to.

Reach out if you need someone to connect with. Leave a comment. I’ll email you with contact info. You don’t need to be untethered in this bizarre time if you don’t wish to be.

A very long time ago, Cathy was giving one of her what’s-crazy-about-Hawaii monologues, this time about how many holidays we have here. It’s true we have some holidays people from outside the state would find puzzling. Prince Jonah Kuhio day, for example, right near the end of March. A state holiday. King Kamehameha Day in the early summer. A state holiday.

Okay, I said. But surely every other state has its own version of these holidays, right? Cathy insisted it just wasn’t so. So I looked it up, starting with her homestate of Oklahoma. And geez. Those poor Oklahomans. They pretty much had the full list of federal holidays plus maybe one more as a state-only holiday.

I went through some other culturally rich states, and pretty much found the same thing.

Here in the fiftieth state, we have New Year’s Day and Martin Luther King Jr. Day (January), Presidents Day (February), Prince Kuhio Day (March), Good Friday (March or April), Memorial Day (May), Kamehameha Day (June), Independence Day (July), Statehood Day (August), Labor Day (September), Veterans Day and Thanksgiving Day (November), and Christmas Day (December).

The one federal holiday we don’t observe here is Discoverers Day, which our state has named Indiginous Peoples Day, but it’s not yet a state holiday. We traded it decades ago for MLK.

Thirteen state holidays for twelve months sounds thin to me, a far cry from excessive. If I didn’t also get something like eighteen vacation days each year (thank you thank you thank you thank you, lovely employer) I don’t know if I could take it.

Let me just say this, and consider it before you dismiss it. Despite a pretty terrible diet, people in Hawaii have the longest life expectancy in the nation. Every time some happiness study is released, Hawaii comes out on top (or at least second) as the happiest state. All this despite a crazy cost of living, sky-high taxes, a business climate super unfriendly to small businesses (mostly because of the taxes, but also because of regulation), and at least on Oahu, some of the worst traffic in the nation.

How does it add up? Weather for sure, but also those holidays and what they represent. Board shorts. Aloha shirts instead of coats and ties. “Hawaiian time.” I’m tempted to add an extremely secular culture, but that may be my own biases talking.

So although I didn’t sleep very well Sunday night, and certainly not enough, I woke up Monday in a mental state approaching peace. My body, still feeling a bit of tiredness from Sunday’s swim, relaxed into the late morning and into the sagging mattress (yeah, I’m due for a new bed). My mind thought about how nice it was to have nothing on the to-do list. I had a rough to-think-about-doing list, but whatever. It certainly wasn’t oppressive.

I had some clementines and dried apricots for breakfast. Read the news, did some puzzles, took care of some journaling. Listened to a lot of music. Did a few easy chores. Took a nap. Had a couple of quesadillas for lunch (just tortillas and extra-sharp cheddar).

I took some time to pay attention to some long-delayed online things I’d meant to contribute to — you know, responding to comments, chiming in with long-awaited opinions, that kind of thing — and made a few notes for my review of On the Horizon.

I hate to say it, but I was getting pretty close to bored or something around nine in the evening. Very unusual for me — there usually aren’t enough hours in the day for everything I want to do — so I was just about to do some decluttering for want of anything else to claim productivity with when I realized I hadn’t had dinner and I was kind of hungry.

So I blanched a whole head of broccoli and did the angel hair pasta thing again, with olive oil, butter, lime juice, and capers. It was delightful. I ate all the broccoli and (sorry to admit) all the pasta. Sated and spent, I noticed all motivation for doing any housecleaning was nowhere to be found.

I still did a wee bit o’ tidying, as it was a trash-to-the-curb night.

Can’t remember when I got to bed, but it was much later than it should have been, somewhere approaching three in the morning, I think.

I texted a couple of coworkers (Sharon was one of them) to mention something I discovered at our office when I was there Sunday. I would have texted them from the office that night, but it was February 14. I did not want to be the single guy texting female coworkers that evening. Embracing my loserhood does not mean necessarily communicating it all the time.

It was what a holiday should be. Weekends are for a mix of getting stuff done, getting some relaxation, and having some fun, and they’re never long enough for all three. A holiday lets you get two of those things done on the regular weekend and then the third for the day off. When I finally did drift off, it was with a feeling of anticipation for the coming work week, and while I love my job, this just doesn’t happen often enough.

More three-day weekends, please. More holidays. More sunny weather. More good music.

Things I’m saving to write about later: the music I listened to Monday and what I learned about tofu Saturday. And oh yeah, my resolutions. Next post.

Reach down and reach out if you want someone to connect with. Just leave a comment and I’ll send you contact info.

Holy moly. Saturday night’s sleep was half great and half terrible. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I fall asleep with Darth Vader and do really well. Then I wake up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason (although I suspect the headgear is too tight, and I’m waking up from discomfort) and have the dangest time getting back to sleep.

So Sunday I oozed out of bed in the late morning and immediately heated a bowl of leftover kabocha-carrot-chicken soup. It was better after a few days in the fridge, all that gingery goodness speading itself out.

I’d already done the crossword, thanks to my ridiculous sleep schedule, hours before turning in Saturday, so I did the Sunday L.A. Times puzzle, which was pretty good, ‘though I got one square wrong.

I spent a lot of time reading news and dealing with the failed impeachment trial. There was some interesting, encouraging commentary, and I’m just going hold on to that for a little while, clinging ever to the sunnier side of doubt, and all that.

I watched the first half hour of this terrible movie called The Apple. At first I couldn’t remember what made me put it in my queue, except that it was a campy movie musical. Then I saw it was a produced by Cannon Pictures. A few years ago I saw this fascinating documentary called Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films, and I must have looked through their catalog for more appealing titles.

Anyway, I like bad films, but this one’s really, really bad, and I may not be able to finish it. If I have some time Monday, I’ll give it another try.

Took a nap then headed for the beach about an hour before sunset. The weather was somewhere between normal and bleak most of the day, although there hadn’t really been any rain. I didn’t know if this bade well for how crowded things would be. It was a Sunday before a Monday holiday, but it was also Valentine’s Day, so who knew what was going on down there?

The Kewalo end was pretty busy and rather teeming with activity, but the Magic Island end, near the pavillions, was pleasantly sparse with humans. My first and fourth favorite stalls down there were both wide open, so I grabbed my A+ stall and got wet.

It was pretty gross. Even a bit grosser than last Sunday, which I said was right at my limit for grossness. But I was in, and I needed the time, so I kept going. Except for one fairly large patch of floaty nature garbage, It wasn’t too bad out by the buoys. I swam a good distance mostly without encountering other people, and went pretty hard for about a third of it.

Cruised in, took a long, cold shower, and headed for the office.

I needed food, but it was Sunday, and the places I had in mind closed at eight, at least on a regular Sunday. I didn’t want to call a bunch of places on Valentine’s Day. So for the first time since they moved in about a year and a half ago, I ordered takeout from Karai Crab, which is directly above our basement office, in the space Cafe Sistina occupied for twenty years.

Ordered the cioppino and a side of rice. It was delicious. I updated software, set out some snacks for the coworkers, did a little bit of file organizing, a little bit of long-term thinking, and a little bit of vegging.

Man, I got out of there late. I don’t know where the time went, but that’s sort of a normal thing for me on Sunday nights. Didn’t get home until nearly 12:30.

I did Monday’s crossword, drank a lot of water, worked on the Spelling Bee, goofed around on my phone, and got to bed around 3:00. Progress?

JB texted to say he’s reading Animal Farm for the first time. I sent him a little encouragement and told him some of the characters are based on historical figures, according to Orwell. Julie mentioned in the Julie-Suzanne-Cindy group text that she’s listening to the audiobook of the book Cindy recommended a few days ago. You gotta love book talk in texting conversations. I wish people would just text me what they’re reading every day and what they think of it so far, without my asking.

I group-texted Grace and Penny to ask if their parents had their shots yet. Among us, I’m the only one whose parents have had both doses.

I had the munchies before bed, but rather than go to one of my usual midnight munchies options, I had a snack-sized Twix and a fun-sized Butterfinger. My coworker left a birthday gift on my desk — a nice, large mug with I survived another meeting that could have been an email on it, and she threw in a few candies. The two small candy bars did the job. Earlier, of course, I had my three clementines and six dried apricots. I think it was right after the soup, since the soup was kind of a small serving.

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Boy did I get to sleep late Friday night. I think it was creeping up on four in the morning. Which of course meant Saturday I got out of bed at about nine. Forced myself up, really, to run some quick errands, knowing I could get a nice long nap later.

Stuck a DVD in the mail for Netflix. Stopped at Palama Market to get kimchi, but ugh. I did not like their selection, which was pretty much limited to their house brand, which has far too many ingredients, including stuff I suspect is a preservative. Kimchi with preservatives just goes against my concept of and appreciation for kimchi, expecially when there are house brands elsewhere in town with just a few ingredients and no preservatives.

I was on that end of Kalihi for a reason. This was the day I was finally going to get tofu right from the Aloha Tofu factory, which is also in Kalihi, very near where King Street intersects Dillingham Boulevard. I read an article about it about six months into the lockdown, and it’s supposedly fresher and less expensive there. It was a piece of cake: I just parked my car in front of the lot, walked to this walk-up counter on the side of the building, and ordered two cartons of soft tofu and one of firm tofu. Aaaaand since there was nobody in line after me, I asked a few tofu questions of the guy who served me, which I’ll share later.

Then it was off to Young’s for my every-other-Saturday Hawaiian food, and then to H-Mart for their house kimchi, which is still not my favorite but at least the ingredients are sensible, and there are no preservatives.

Brought it all home and pigged out on Hawaiian food until nature tooks its usual course and I crashed for several blissful hours.

I got up in the late afternoon and worked a couple of chores, including doing the bleach rinse on my water jugs. It’s not hard work but it’s tedious and it takes longer than it should. I had a podcast in my ears as I labored, which helped a lot, and then it was done, and I drove to Mapunapuna to fill everything.

Driving to Mapunapuna, which is maybe between three and four miles from home, when I could drive just down the street or over one neighborhood to do the same thing seems really silly, especially now that I’m mostly over that burger spot. I may have to reevaluate this silly exercise. Now that I’m doing laundry right in my hood, it seems silly to erase the one good benefit by going a lot farther to do a different thing.

If I’m going down there anyway, like to pick up prescriptions or get some blood drawn, that’s a different story. But Saturday night I just drove down there for water.

I hit the McD’s drive-through on my way home, mostly because I wasn’t really ready to go home yet, and once I got the thought of spicy McNuggets in my brain, I had to have them in my mouth and then in my belly.

And then, for absolutely no reason at all, I stayed up until past four-thirty in the morning. I wasn’t even doing anything. Just not going to bed, even though I could easily have fallen asleep hours earlier. I think I just enjoyed being up during those hours. My heart longs to be a vampire again.

I’m a hopeless night owl.

There was some fun happy new year talk in the Suzanne-Cindy group text (no Julie because we were talking about local places to get Chinese New Year food). Jennifer commented on the Ronnie Chieng video I sent and I responded. That was it for texts.

I wasn’t much in the mood for music most of the day, so I caught up on a few podcasts and even revisited a few older ones I’ve kept in my phone. Reply All is doing this outstanding short series about race issues at Bon Appetit, especially in the test kitchen. Fascinating and honestly, I’m so privileged because a lot of the time, I hear the situation and I don’t hear the established racism. My response is to dismiss it and say, “Not everything is racism!” But I’m trying to rethink a lot of things. If many people say something is racist, perhaps I need to get myself out of my shoes and see it a different way.

I still don’t usually agree, but I’m listening. And the podcasts (two episodes so far; I don’t know how long it’s supposed to go) have been very well done.

I listen to two podcasts twice before I take them off my phone: The Tony Kornheiser Show, because I often miss jokes, and also because I just enjoy the show when it’s normal. It hasn’t been normal because Kornheiser is 71 so he’s not doing the show with his usual cast of cohosts until everyone’s got shots in their arms. Also Reply All, which is just so brilliant and funny I listen twice to make sure I learn stuff I’m supposed to learn.

It’s late Sunday night as I write this and I’m not staying up until four tonight, so beat it. But leave a comment if you need someone to connect with. This offer won’t be around forever, so get in while the getting’s good.

🙂

I slept a little better Thursday night heading into Friday morning, but still not enough. Argh.

I also didn’t work very productively, I’m sorry to say. Friday used to be my most productive day, when we were working in the office. I did pretty well with emails but the words just wouldn’t flow on these three student profiles I’m working on. I may have to give them a little bit of attention over the long weekend.

The impeachment proceedings were on again. Although the outcome was pretty much determined already, I think it was important for me to go through it and deal with it (I’m writing this just past midnight Saturday night) and then get over it. Now that it’s over, I’m hoping I may be able to sleep tonight underneath the satellite sky once again, perhaps for the first time in more than four years.

I’m taking deep breaths, trying to sit up straight in my uncomfortable dining room chair that’s become my work chair, listening to music with wide open ears undistracted by the news of the day. I think I’m going to add some conscious mediation to my routine, although I’m trying to figure out where I’d make the time. Going to take a look at some websites for some advice — it’s been a long time since I seriously thought about it ritually. I’ve already found myself centering on certain verses of scripture that have (mostly) helped, and I’ve done a version of it whenever I’ve been in the ocean since Lent in 2019.

One of the House impeachment managers quoted what’s been my verse these past four-plus years. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God. I’ve tried, in the face of very unpeaceful times spurred by a very unpeaceful goverment leader, to bring small amounts of peace to others. I thought it might give me more peace too, but it’s mostly only made me angry, like helping that young Chinese woman find her dance classes in a rough part of Chinatown one night, or going way out of my way to help a drunk Micronesian man get his phone from the woman who found it, none of us having wheels and all of us riding buses.

Incidents like these should have soothed my soul, but they made me face the northeast and yell obscenities in the direction of the White House. I’m not speaking metaphorically.

I know there is peace to be had, and I know where it comes from. I just haven’t been able to connect with it much, except for those moments in meditation-like states in the Pacific Ocean. Maybe I can find it now.

After work, I did some quick chores and took a long, unsettled nap. It kind of helped, but not really.

I watched a documentary on DVD. I can’t write what it was, because it’s rather distasteful and I’d rather not cop to my interest. A legit documentary, though, produced by one of Hollywood’s esteemed producers (at least one Best Picture Oscar, with several nominations), about one of those topics you’d be embarrassed to explore. Heck, I live alone and no longer worry about judgment on such things (mostly), but I still peered through my blinds a few times to see if anyone were outside, seeing what I was watching.

Ha. I’m totally serious.

Anyway it was a good documentary, really well done. If you see me in person and want to know about it, I won’t hesitate to tell you. I just don’t want to put it up in a public space where it can be misunderstood out of context.

Two weekends ago, I spent $21 on an apple-caramel pie from Hawaiian Pie Company. My favorite of their offerings. Friday night, I still had eaten only one slice out of it. I don’t have much of a sweet tooth, but I guess I like a little bit of sugar in my day somewhere, most days. I think the clementines and dried apricots have taken care of me, though.

I cut a slice out Friday night for dessert, and it was gross. Kind of gummy and mealy. I don’t know if I imagined it or it really didn’t hold up well for two weeks in a cold fridge, but I tossed it. Need room in my refrigerator, and I didn’t want to eat the pie just to eat it.

It’s too bad, too, because I’ve finally earned enough frequent customer points to get a free pie. And now I don’t really want one.

Fridays, I like to get breakfast out. It’s not a conscious thing, or a habit or ritual. I just wake up Friday mornings and think how nice it would be to have breakfast out. I mean via takeout, although in regular times I feel the same way as I head to the office. When I was riding the bus to campus, I would get up early, stop Friday mornings somewhere along the way, and sit down to breakfast prepared by someone else, sometimes going out of my way to Waikiki (for example).

So for breakfast I drove to Rainbow’s and brought home a boneless chicken plate. Breakfast-slash-lunch. For dinner I made kimchi stew, rather a lot of it. Clementines and dried apricots for a snack.

It was the first day of the Lunar New Year, so of course there were a lot of happy new year messages. Among others, I heard from Jennifer and Maria. I texted Crush Girl to say happy new year.

I’m really getting into the new Transatlantic album. Might have to do a serious headphones-and-lyrics-sheet listen sometime this weekend, ‘though it’s a long album and I don’t know if I have the attention span. I was a little disappointed in Neal Morse’s last solo album — I just didn’t find it very memorable, which can happen with musicians a prolific as Morse. I wonder if it was because he hadn’t played with this specific group pf musicians in many years. Whatever it is, he and the other guys (Pete Trawavas! Mike Portnoy! Roine Stolt!) appear to have put together a winner here, and I really appreciate the variety of lead vocals i this band. Even Portnoy has lead vocals on one song. Nice.

The sun comes up today
Let the whole world fade away

There will absolutely be some beach time this weekend if it doesn’t rain much. And I’m itching to do some writing that’s been on my list for a while.

Leave a comment if you need someone to connect with. Don’t be disconnected. I know the temptation; believe me. The reason I recap my texts and phone calls every day is to monitor myself against my self-destructive tendencies. Namely, the tendency to withdraw into myself and my cave. It’s fine once in a while for a day or two, but pandemic days make it too easy to do it for too long. Don’t go there. Smash my comments and I’ll get to you.